I woke this morning with the thought on my mind… Am I really sick? I’m beginning to think I’m not really sick and that it’s chronic stress that is the root of all my problems, and that removing all the stress is the remedy.
I know I deserve love and peace, but what is going on with my family is unfair.
I have written them a letter – just random thoughts that popped into my head. I will never post it, but I have made the choice to remove them from my life.
Things need to change in my family.. and maybe they never will, but all I know is that I’m not going to pay the price anymore for holding on.
Time to let them all go so I can live and be healthy.
You may find my letter quite negative but this is how I feel, so tired of all the bs. It’s making me lose my spirit and my health.
The thought of them out of my life makes me feel peaceful.
Letter To My Family:
Today I question.. am I really sick?
Or am I just surrounded by a sickness ..
You all seem fine.
You all work and socialize .. you seem to live.
You act happy.
It’s only me who’s not able to work or socialize.
I have chronic health issues.. depression, anxiety, immune disorders and an extreme stress disorder..
But I still question am I really sick?
I guess you believe I have a mental illness.. because I suffer from depression.
But you do not understand C-PTSD is a psychological injury not a mental illness.
You do not care to understand
Maybe I am perfectly normal.
And these are all normal responses to the amount of stress I’ve been under.
Maybe I’m the only healthy one in this narcissistic ‘system’.
Looks can be deceiving.
I guess I look the sick one..
Have I been surrounded by unhealthy people my whole life ..
Traumatized by the people who should have loved me and cared about me.
You know I keep smiling. I can see the big picture. I understand why you’re all like this. It’s okay… I forgive you..
That’s kind of me.
That’s me … kind, understanding, forgiving.
The question really is…
Why don’t any of you have the courage and integrity to heal this, to speak up, to rock the boat a little, to make changes, to be honest..
To fight for me..
You all behave like cowards.
Is it okay to let someone you ‘love’ suffer because you don’t want a little discomfort in your life of lies.
You all know what happened and you all keep quiet and judge/ blame me instead.
You scapegoat me.
You silence me.
Ostracized for trying to speak the truth.
You use my good nature against me.
You cannot be my family.
Family don’t treat someone that way.
I don’t know who or what you are.. but I do know I am not like you..
Never will be.
Maybe you’re sick, sad, unhealthy people.
I pity you.
Maybe I am not sick, sad or unhealthy.
I suffer the symptoms of abuse, extreme stress and neglect, I can recover from that.
Recovery by removing the abuse, stress and neglect from my life..
And family …that is all of you.
I cannot have any of you in my life.
I can forgive you for my own health’s sake,
But I will never forget your cowardly, cruel, shameful behavior.
My therapist told me not to burn bridges..
That’s the problem – I listened to her..
But I think I’ve listened to her.. and waited for you all long enough.
I’ve wasted a whole lot of living on you.
I should have listened to my gut and walked long ago.
That’s was my fault..
I know need to let you know that I have had enough
I’m moving on from the drama, the secrets, the lies, the cover ups
You protected yourselves but you never protected me.
So now my dear family, I will let you all go..
Love your daughter, your sister, your mother.
Mental Health is an industry..
An industry trying to sell an unsuspecting public on the idea that the way to ‘fix’ unwanted behaviour and feelings is with a brain chemistry altering pill.
These pills are now named ‘lifestyle’ drugs..
So now you can live your life in a way that is not ‘your truth’ and not feel too bad about it.
And after all if everybody’s doing it then it must be okay.
Maybe I have a problem with the way they are marketed, or that people use them long term without making changes in their lives.. believing their minds are deficient in some way..
So why do I felt so strongly … because I suffered from chronic depression for 40+ years and I learnt a great deal..
The real problem is we were not born to be mindless sheep.. we were born to have personal power.
Some of us lost ours… some very early on due to abuse, neglect, trauma, others guilt or bad decisions or a combination.
… life has robbed us..
I have always found people who experience depression or emotional, spiritual or psychological suffering to be deep thinkers, highly intelligent, visionaries, idealists, creatives, sensitives, salt of the earth types.
They ‘see’ things as they really are but all too often they remain passive to change anything. Often out of fear or that they allow themselves to get pulled along by the wolves of this world.
They fail to see the power they truly have and end up instead ‘willing victims’. They conform and lose their voice.
This causing internal unrest, distress and confusion- really a great lack of inner peace, as they are not being true to themselves or their beliefs or even who they really are..
Being a sheep is never a great option for those of vision.. that indeed would make you depressed, distressed, and have your mind fluctuating between what is right for you and what is wrong for you..
I have alway seen them as the sensitive good in an often evil world. I see them as people who have important gifts.
I just wish they could see themselves as that and get up, get constructively angry, look at the big picture on what they need to heal and go on to make their own small but significant mark in this crazy and often evil world.
Maybe they need that as motivation to get up, to heal their life, to change, to live their dream and to take back their personal power.. than some ‘lifestyle’ pill.
People suffering with depression and mental confusion need to allow themselves the time and space to heal. They need courage and encouragement, love, warmth, understanding, compassion, someone trustworthy to hear them, to look into their pasts, to gain self respect, self love, self compassion and self confidence and to take back their power.. and live their dreams.. whether that be to assist others in some healing way, bring beauty into this world, or love and compassion, make healthy changes in industry, politics, medical fields etc..
Your vision is needed..
Love and baby steps,
Believe the labels you are given and you will remain a victim all your life..
Oh ‘I’m bipolar’… really…. why are you bipolar? Do you know why?
I am a depressive… why? Why are you a depressive?
Let me assure you there is very real reason..
I am schizophrenic – and there is nothing they can do, except medicate me… really who is they – is that the medical profession? Well, let me tell you that is true, that is all the medical profession can do for you..
I have Chronic fatigue syndrome… again WTF …
Oh.. the doctors tell me it’s how my brain works and there is nothing they can do about it… except take my meds regularly.
Well maybe your brain can heal?…
Do you really believe doctors know everything there is to know about you and your individual emotional, physical and spiritual needs..
The real fact is people can heal… the hard thing for people to accept is it is their responsibility to heal and it takes a lot of work..
The next fact is not everyone will heal.. Why?
Because it’s hard, so hard that many would prefer to die than heal.
It is not your doctors responsibility to ‘fix’ you. They will try to assist you … but it is your choice to be proactive outside the medical field or be as inactive as you want about it.
I am not anti medication – some people need it and they know they need it. For some people it’s a lifeline during their healing.. for others its something the feel they need for the rest of their lives..
Some people are willing to accept their diagnosis – I wasn’t. But there are people who have support systems that purely focus on accepting and ‘coping’ with their ‘illness, dwelling in their misery, believing every sacred word some ‘specialist’ says and never moving forward or changing.. Some play the blame game – I’ve been guilty of that, all it does is keep you a victim for far too long.
There are also people who never give up the search for answers.. who delve into heal their physical, emotional and physical selves
There is a reason for schizophrenia, for depression, for mental illness, for bipolar.. god the list goes on and on.. often they are serious reasons that you are yet to find out on your healing journey – so don’t accept yourself as mentally ill, or mentally weak or lazy, or unmotivated, or weak or less than anyone else.. Have the courage to keep searching and you will find the answers..
Basically you are ill at ease.. and you can be ‘ill at ease’ on all or many levels
For some people it is easier to be sick than to heal. Because healing you have to take responsibility for yourself and often you have to face your biggest fears.
It’s estimated 5% of people will actually heal themselves.
Those people would do whatever it takes to heal even if that meant leave their job, security, partner, family.
What are you really willing to lose in order to heal? Everything you think is safe?
You have to overcome fears to heal.. abandonment, survival, failure, your own potential etc..
Often healing means making huge changes, healing also means facing huge fears and dealing with great loss and pain.
Healing takes work…and it actually may take you years of mental pain and anguish to work through the emotional and spiritual side of what is causing the unbalance and ill at ease problems in your life.
It may not even be your fault it often stems from your childhood.. but still only you can ultimately heal yourself.
I spent a lot of years searching for what was ‘wrong with me’…
I allowed myself the time and space to heal. I went through every field, medical, natural health, spiritual guidance seeking… and refusing to believe depression was the natural state I was born to live in. I spent 5 years every week religiously with a therapist, I couldn’t work from the pain I was in and from feeling and processing so much. I refused medication and dealt with the pain. Although I did self medicate on sugar binges..
I’ve been thinking about some the labels and diagnosis’s I have been given. Doctors told me I didn’t have classic symptoms.
I have always been a rebel. I have never been a conformer and I read and read and read and learn maybe that’s what saved me..
M.E – Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (This is what they diagnose anyone who is chronically fatigued and they don’t know why)..
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Got this one 2 years ago)
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (another bullshit label..)
I must admit I spent my life avoiding the humiliating medical profession and delved into healing my spirit.
I don’t go to doctors and I haven’t taken a antibiotic in 20 years.. I did try anti depressants once and mild anti psychotics for c-ptsd but lasted one week with a fuck this shit attitude. Once lithium was offered. Maybe the lithium may have been better than the sugar binges. Sugar made me fat..
So have I functioned – no not really but through the pain and suffering I gained wisdom.
What was really making my spirit so depressed.
Was it my marriage, my career, my childhood, my historical past, some evil force – I searched everything
.. and as I searched I found everything.. and it was all of that.
What I found were the causes of my mood swings, my physical pain, my 47 yr depressed state, my isolation, my search of meaning in life, my chronic tiredness, my hypervigilance, my extreme sensitivities, my dissociation, my feeling like I don’t fit, my feelings of failure
I got from my 20+ years search, more answers than I could ever have imagined or believed..
And what I found out after my huge healing journey is that there is nothing wrong with me.
I am unique, perfect and special just the way I am..
whether I have down days, hypervigilance etc..
My life has made me who I am today and I am amazing because of it..
When ‘The Sound of Music’ premiered in 1959 it created an’ all things alpine’ craze which lasted into the mid 60s. That was the start of yodel-based music, swiss fondue love, swiss kitsch and dirndl fashion.
My Grandparents travelled extensively through Europe during those years. They had both worked hard and this had always been their great retirement dream. My Grandmother had run her own business for many years, and my GF was high up in the railways.
They would go away for 6 months, come home and then be off on some exciting new adventure again.
With all the treasures they collected from their travels their house was fascinating. My Grandmother had great taste and great style. She was also quite the magpie, and as they had a huge house … it meant they had plenty of spaces to fill up, and plenty of places for 10 curious grandchildren to explore and hunt for shiny things.
Nana stuffed things everywhere – in drawers, in cupboards, in vases .. old postcards, travel labels, vintage embroidery trims, travel brochures, photographs, ornaments… it was exciting :o)
Swiss Kitsch . Alpine Style . Happy Heidi
Every trip she went on she brought each of us 6 granddaughters back a doll from that country (in it’s traditional costume) – remember those?.. and a traditional silver charm to add to our charm bracelets. We all had different charms but I remember a few of my favorites being a windmill that could spin around, a fish that could wriggle and a tiny cow bell.
I fondly remember my Grand dad’s collection of luggage and hotel labels that he had stuck underneath one of the coffee tables. I would often get under there staring up at them, dreaming of all the places they had been to.
Once they brought back a huge carved wooden cuckoo clock. I remember I used to wait patiently for the chime and the little bird to come out. I also remember – not so fondly.. how its loud ticking noise would keep me up at night.
My GM’s favorite song was ‘Edelweiss’ from The Sound of Music. All 10 of us grandchildren specially learnt the words, dressed up and sung it to Nana for one of her birthdays..
When my grandparents did both die it was like the end of an era. I vividly remember thinking that at the time.. and it made me sad. They were both born in 1910 and died in their 90’s.
Their children (my Aunties and Uncles) cleared out all their treasures and all the memories. I remember the big rubbish skip that was placed outside their house, and I remember them splitting up the valuable items between themselves.
I kind of wish I had got to keep some of the little things.. those non valuable things that were stuffed in Nana’s cupboards and were special just to me.
Love and baby steps,
The cause of secondary depression in childhood is the absorbed emotional pain from a loved one suffering from chronic trauma, abuse or neglect. Children are emotionally connected to their mother in-utero – what she feels, they feel. They are emotional sponges and when a loved one is in chronic emotional pain they suffer just as deeply as if the pain was their own.
Many children become highly empathetic at a young age and highly sensitive to the suffering of others.