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Secondary Depression in Childhood

I am her...

The cause of secondary depression in childhood is the absorbed emotional pain from a loved one suffering from chronic trauma, abuse or neglect. Children are emotionally connected to their mother in-utero – what she feels, they feel. They are emotional sponges and when a loved one is in chronic emotional pain they suffer just as deeply as if the pain was their own.

Many children become highly empathetic at a young age and highly sensitive to the suffering of others.

 

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Break The Cycle

“If we cannot forgive and release the pain, it pins us to the train track of victimization and we remain tied the emotional wreckage for however long we continue to carry the burden.
It is one thing to be victimized once, to carry the scars forward and another to suffer over and over in a mental nightmare that keeps us chained to the same pain throughout our lives. We must then, love ourselves enough to cut the cords.
We do not have to remain victims. We can become survivors. Overcomers. We can (and we must) rise up, raise up, take back our power and live with as much dignity as we can muster.
It takes an amazing amount of courage to overcome our pain and not return hate for hate, evil for evil, blow for blow. Only the bravest of the brave manage to do so. I hope that you are brave today, as brave, maybe braver than you know you are. And if you have children, do it not for your sake, but for the ones who look to you to understand how life should be.”

~ Victoria Cayce

 

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PSYCHIATRY ALMOST DROVE ME CRAZY

 

Great article by Paul Levy (a pioneer in the field of spiritual emergence, and a healer in private practice) regarding psychiatric abuse (psychiatry’s invalidation of trauma and protection of the abuser). Psychiatry makes the sane ones.. the sick ones, the invalids (the in-valids).

SG x

I am a survivor of severe psychiatric abuse. There was a year or so in the early 1980’s when I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals at least four times. During my visits to the hospital I was in the midst of a spiritual awakening that I was struggling to contain that was triggered and complicated by extreme psychological abuse at the hands of my father, who was a very sick man. I was suffering so deeply from the psychic violence perpetrated upon my mother and me by my father that it was making me “sick.” One of the most difficult parts of my ordeal in the hospitals was not being listened to by the psychiatrists, either about the abuse by my father or the spiritual awakening. Spiritual emergences/emergencies oftentimes become activated because of a deep experience of wounding, abuse, or trauma. In its initial stage, a spiritual awakening can look like and mimic a nervous breakdown, as our habitual structures of holding ourselves together fall apart and break down so that a deeper and more coherent expression of our intrinsic wholeness can emerge. The spiritual awakening aspect of my experience was so off psychiatry’s map that it wasn’t even remotely recognized. Instead of hearing me, about either the abuse or the awakening, I was immediately pathologized and labeled as the sick one. Being cast in the role of the “identified patient,” I was assured that I was going to be mentally ill for the rest of my days, as if I was being given a life sentence with no possibility for parole, with no time off for good behavior. The fact that I wanted to dialogue about this and question their diagnosis was proof, to the psychiatrists in charge of me, of my illness. The whole thing was totally nuts. Fully licensed and certified by the state, the psychiatric system’s abuse of its position of power was truly unconscionable. What the profession of psychiatry was unconsciously en-acting was truly crazy-making for those under their dominion. I was lucky to escape the psychiatric world with my sanity intact. Many others are not so fortunate.

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The Withdrawn Child

“The child who expresses feelings that her [his] family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family’s view of what it needs to survive. They treat her [him] as if it’s “her [him] or them,” and she [he] believes it… Sadly, the adult that she [he] becomes often treats the child inside with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults who surrounded her [him] did.”

~ Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume

Jordan Crane - Untitled Curtains  17 X 26 hand pulled screenprint.:

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The Abusive Family System

“The abusive family system is a family in camouflage…The abuse is not only hidden from public view but from the view of family members themselves…Anything that doesn’t fit is buried or rationalized away. Anyone who tells the secrets or points out the sickness is punished or even exiled. The façade is maintained at the expense of individual family members.”

~ Repressed Memories by Renee Fredrickson Ph.D.

 

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Killing With Kindness

“ I used to feel heroic for sticking with abusive relationships. I believed that ‘love conquers all’, which to me meant that love gave me power.
I thought I could make everything better through love.
That worked well for my abusers; the worse they treated me, the better I treated them. ‘Killing with kindness’ is really victim mentality. My so-called love was really manipulation. Placating abusers never worked for me as a long-term solution.
It perpetuated abusive patterns by validating them. That wasn’t love for myself or for my abusers. ”
 ~ The Rescued Soul by Christina Enevoldsen
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Unfuckwithable

Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.

Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.

I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.

Maybe writing about it will help.

I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.

After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.

I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..

I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.

I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.

After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.

I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.

I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.

If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.

Even now I’m still fighting to survive.

I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.

I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.

I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.

A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.

I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.

Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.

I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.

I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.

We go through so much don’t we.

I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..

I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..