0

Narcissistic Families …

I woke this morning with the thought on my mind… Am I really sick? I’m beginning to think I’m not really sick and that it’s chronic stress that is the root of all my problems, and that removing all the stress is the remedy.

I know I deserve love and peace, but what is going on with my family is unfair.

I have written them a letter – just random thoughts that popped into my head. I will never post it, but I have made the choice to remove them from my life.

Things need to change in my family.. and maybe they never will, but all I know is that I’m not going to pay the price anymore for holding on.

Time to let them all go so I can live and be healthy.

You may find my letter quite negative but this is how I feel, so tired of all the bs. It’s making me lose my spirit and my health.

The thought of them out of my life makes me feel peaceful.

Letter To My Family:

Dear Family,

Today I question.. am I really sick?

Or am I just surrounded by a sickness ..

You all seem fine.

You all work and socialize .. you seem to live.

You act happy.

It’s only me who’s not able to work or socialize.

I have chronic health issues..  depression, anxiety, immune disorders and an extreme stress disorder..

But I still question am I really sick?

I guess you believe I have a mental illness.. because I suffer from depression.

But you do not understand C-PTSD is a psychological injury not a mental illness.

You do not care to understand

Maybe I am perfectly normal.

And these are all normal responses to the amount of stress I’ve been under.

Maybe I’m the only healthy one in this narcissistic ‘system’.

Looks can be deceiving.

I guess I look the sick one..

Have I been surrounded by unhealthy people my whole life ..

Traumatized by the people who should have loved me and cared about me.

You know I keep smiling. I can see the big picture. I understand why you’re all like this. It’s okay… I forgive you..

That’s kind of me.

That’s me … kind, understanding, forgiving.

The question really is…

Why don’t any of you have the courage and integrity to heal this, to speak up, to rock the boat a little, to make changes, to be honest..

To fight for me..

You all behave like cowards.

Is it okay to let someone you ‘love’ suffer because you don’t want a little discomfort in your life of lies.

You all know what happened and you all keep quiet and judge/ blame me instead.

You scapegoat me.

You silence me.

Ostracized for trying to speak the truth.

You use my good nature against me.

You cannot be my family.

Family don’t treat someone that way.

I don’t know who or what you are.. but I do know I am not like you..

Never will be.

Maybe you’re sick, sad, unhealthy people.

I pity you.

Maybe I am not sick, sad or unhealthy.

I suffer the symptoms of abuse, extreme stress and neglect, I can recover from that.

Recovery by removing the abuse, stress and neglect from my life..

And family …that is all of you.

I cannot have any of you in my life.

I can forgive you for my own health’s sake,

But I will never forget your cowardly, cruel, shameful behavior.

My therapist told me not to burn bridges..

That’s the problem – I listened to her..

But I think I’ve listened to her.. and waited for you all long enough.

I’ve wasted a whole lot of living on you.

I should have listened to my gut and walked long ago.

That’s was my fault..

I know need to let you know that I have had enough

 I’m moving on from the drama, the secrets, the lies, the cover ups

You protected yourselves but you never protected me.

So now my dear family, I will let you all go..

Love your daughter, your sister, your mother.

2

Don’t Believe The labels..

“Mental Illness”

Believe the labels you are given and you will remain a victim all your life..

Labels are for jars not people. Mental illness. Help end the stigma.

Oh ‘I’m bipolar’… really…. why are you bipolar? Do you know why?

I am a depressive… why? Why are you a depressive?

Let me assure you there is very real reason..

I am schizophrenic – and there is nothing they can do, except medicate me… really who is they – is that the medical profession? Well, let me tell you that is true, that is all the medical profession can do for you..

I have Chronic fatigue syndrome… again WTF …

Oh.. the doctors tell me it’s how my brain works and there is nothing they can do about it… except take my meds regularly.

Well maybe your brain can heal?…

Do you really believe doctors know everything there is to know about you and your individual emotional, physical and spiritual needs..

The real fact is people can heal… the hard thing for people to accept is it is their responsibility to heal and it takes a lot of work..

The next fact is not everyone will heal.. Why?

Because it’s hard, so hard that many would prefer to die than heal.

It is not your doctors responsibility to ‘fix’ you. They will try to assist you …  but it is your choice to be proactive outside the medical field or be as inactive as you want about it.

I am not anti medication – some people need it and they know they need it. For some people it’s a lifeline during their healing.. for others its something the feel they need for the rest of their lives..

Some people are willing to accept their diagnosis – I wasn’t. But there are people who have support systems that purely focus on accepting and ‘coping’ with their ‘illness, dwelling in their misery, believing every sacred word some ‘specialist’ says and never moving forward or changing.. Some play the blame game – I’ve been guilty of that, all it does is keep you a victim for far too long.

There are also people who never give up the search for answers.. who delve into heal their physical, emotional and physical selves

There is a reason for schizophrenia, for depression, for mental illness, for bipolar.. god the list goes on and on.. often they are serious reasons that you are yet to find out on your healing journey – so don’t accept yourself as mentally ill, or mentally weak or lazy, or unmotivated, or weak or less than anyone else.. Have the courage to keep searching and you will find the answers..

Basically you are ill at ease.. and you can be ‘ill at ease’ on all or many levels

For some people it is easier to be sick than to heal. Because healing you have to take responsibility for yourself and often you have to face your biggest fears.

It’s estimated 5% of people will actually heal themselves.

Those people would do whatever it takes to heal even if that meant leave their job, security, partner, family.

What are you really willing to lose in order to heal? Everything you think is safe?

You have to overcome fears to heal.. abandonment, survival, failure, your own potential etc..

Often healing means making huge changes, healing also means facing huge fears and dealing with great loss and pain.

Healing takes work…and it actually may take you years of mental pain and anguish to work through the emotional and spiritual side of what is causing the unbalance and ill at ease problems in your life.

It may not even be your fault it often stems from your childhood.. but still only you can ultimately heal yourself.

I spent a lot of years searching for what was ‘wrong with me’…

I allowed myself the time and space to heal. I went through every field, medical, natural health, spiritual guidance seeking… and refusing to believe depression was the natural state I was born to live in. I spent 5 years every week religiously with a therapist, I couldn’t work from the pain I was in and from feeling and processing so much. I refused medication and dealt with the pain. Although I did self medicate on sugar binges..

I’ve been thinking about some the labels and diagnosis’s I have been given. Doctors told me I didn’t have classic symptoms.

I have always been a rebel. I have never been a conformer and I read and read and read and learn maybe that’s what saved me..

Anyway

I was..

Chronically Depressed

M.E –  Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (This is what they diagnose anyone who is chronically fatigued and they don’t know why)..

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Got this one 2 years ago)

Dissociative

Hypervigilant

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (another bullshit label..)

I must admit I spent my life avoiding the humiliating medical profession and delved into healing my spirit.

I don’t go to doctors and I haven’t taken a antibiotic in 20 years.. I did try anti depressants once and mild anti psychotics for c-ptsd but lasted one week with a fuck this shit attitude. Once lithium was offered. Maybe the lithium may have been better than the sugar binges. Sugar made me fat..

So have I functioned – no not really but through the pain and suffering I gained wisdom.

What was really making my spirit so depressed.

Was it my marriage, my career, my childhood, my historical past, some evil force – I searched everything

.. and as I searched I found everything.. and it was all of that.

What I found were the causes of my mood swings, my physical pain, my 47 yr depressed state, my isolation, my search of meaning in life, my chronic tiredness, my hypervigilance, my extreme sensitivities, my dissociation, my feeling like I don’t fit, my feelings of failure

I got from my 20+ years search, more answers than I could ever have imagined or believed..

And what I found out after my huge healing journey is that there is nothing wrong with me. 

I am unique, perfect and special just the way I am..

whether I have down days, hypervigilance etc..

My life has made me who I am today and I am amazing because of it..

4

Looking And Feeling My Best

Healing my body – RAW POWER!

After many years of eating predominantly protein and unprocessed foods, I’ve gone raw vegan (just for around 6 months) to alkalize my body (give it a good clean out!). So far it hasn’t been hard to do as I feel strongly this is the next step in my recovery.

It’s day 17 and I can’t say I’m feeling that great or energized but I already look so much better. I’ve lost some weight and my skin is smoother and I look a little younger. I really love looking better and losing some weight. It makes getting dressed and choosing clothes much more exciting!

 Last time I went raw I felt terrible for the first 6 weeks. I’m really glad I pushed through it because after that I felt amazing, positive, energized, l lost weight and was glowing with good health. I really felt radiant.

My expensive blender has broken down :o( so I’m just eating fruit and salads with lots of avocados. Just grazing all day whenever I feel hungry. It’s pretty boring so far, at least with a blender you can add smoothies, frozen banana ice-cream, dips, nut butters etc.. (I miss my blender! Hard to go raw without it!)

 Last night I added some raw nuts and goji berries and I’ll make some chia pudding for breakfast (need a little more variety!!)

As for exercise I’m just strolling along the beach in the evening (more getting fresh air than exercise). When I feel over this detoxing stage  I’ll add some light weights and some brisker walks or maybe buy a cheap second-hand bike and start cycling.

Going raw helps heal your immune system after years of stress, it alkalizes your body, gets rid of inflammatory issues, like arthritis etc.. It energizes you and makes your skin glow with vitality.

I believe it’s only something you should do when you are ready. I’ve spent years healing emotionally, mentally and spiritually and I feel the time is right. Many people go raw when they are highly stressed or still have emotional work to do. It’s fine but I have noticed many tend to get sick rather than healthy or they can’t maintain this way of eating it for long.

I think eating meat (protein) and reducing all processed foods is essential and the best way to eat when really stressed or for the initial process of healing (especially if you have sugar addictions.. or any addictions).

After 6 months, I’ll go vegan and add cooked food (YUM!!)

I believe in living and loving your food, and I don’t believe in being too extreme. This is more a one off super cleanse. The years of stress have taken a toll on my body and physical health and I want to look and feel my best.

Love and baby steps

SG x

3

Taking Back My Power!

....take back your Power.....  www.charansurdhar.com #epigenetics #personalpower

Something I need to remember over the next couple of months..

I have the power within me to change my circumstances, my life, my current reality.

I am the creator of my current life experience.

Until I accept responsibility for what I have created, I cannot change it. And I cannot change it if I do not believe that I have the power to do so.

Belief / Trust / Faith is the key.

Belief, trust, faith in what? …

… In myself.

I am not alone… Part of me is here in the human realm, and the other part of my Self exists in the higher realms. I am not alone and I never have been.

Nothing is impossible! Nothingno Thing! Except what I believe is not possible!

I can choose now if I wish  the old paradigm to be my living experience, and I can continue living in ‘victim mode’ or I can decide now to move into the new paradigm.

The choice is always mine.

Life is not meant to be a struggle, it is meant to be joyful.

Now is the time for me to summon my power and put my authority into action and transform my intentions into reality.