Healing from narcissistic abuse
“The child who expresses feelings that her [his] family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family’s view of what it needs to survive. They treat her [him] as if it’s “her [him] or them,” and she [he] believes it… Sadly, the adult that she [he] becomes often treats the child inside with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults who surrounded her [him] did.”
~ Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume
“The abusive family system is a family in camouflage…The abuse is not only hidden from public view but from the view of family members themselves…Anything that doesn’t fit is buried or rationalized away. Anyone who tells the secrets or points out the sickness is punished or even exiled. The façade is maintained at the expense of individual family members.”
~ Repressed Memories by Renee Fredrickson Ph.D.
Conflict Needs Players
Perpetrator . Victim Rescuer
Dr Stephen Karpman’s 1968 idea, was that conflict needs players and players need roles. The consequential objective of each role is just to have its own needs met – even if temporarily – in order to feel justified in its rationale/behaviour/feeling.
- The Persecutor: happy to allocate blame and to ensure that other players know they are in the wrong. They are probably angry, accusative, inflexible and feeling very righteous. In order to have their needs met, they require The Victim; someone onto whom they can project their irritation.
- The Victim: The Victim takes the brunt of The Persecutor’s wrath. The Victim feels hard-done-by, got-at, powerless, ashamed, unable to do anything. This is obviously a position of anxiety for most, but psychologically it can actually often bring some comfort. You know where you are when you are The Victim, and it’s easy to seek the pity of others. If The Victim role feels natural to you, then you need to seek out The Persecutor (if you haven’t already got one) but also The Rescuer.
- The Rescuer: a big ball of guilt, who needs someone to help, because when you’re the hero to others then you don’t have to deal with your own feelings of anxiety or displacement. The Rescuer appears to be The Victim’s saviour from The Persecutor, but actually cements the others in their negative behaviours – almost giving them permission to stay as the bully or the bullied as it makes everyone feel that they have a purpose.
Avoiding Codependency, Abuse, Dysfunction And Love Addiction
NO CODEPENDENTS ALLOWED!
Why put aside love..?
Because it’s a bomb. It’s booby trapped. It’s a trap for young (and old) players.
After abuse, addiction or codependency, avoiding a love relationship is a decision you need to make unless you are willing to attract another codependent/ unhealthy partner.
It’s scary, actually it’s terrifying because it can mean facing some of your biggest fears.
Being alone or surviving alone..
But there comes a time when facing those fears is easier than the pain of being in another soul destroying relationship.
You deserve more. Not the same old.. same old..
You don’t ever deserve to be with someone who will take advantage of you, even if not necessarily intentionally, yes some do not see the issue or the pattern…until you shine a light on it.. and then they are out the door.
Most do not care about the issues or patterns because their personal survival relies on attachment to YOU!
Some partners will use you, some will hold you for way too long, some will praise you and put you on a pedestal and then knock you off it once you bring a little light on the situation. Some are dangerous and need to control you emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically.
The dynamics are out..
Once you decide to heal. you are vulnerable, and in this weakened condition, love can sometimes seem a good answer, or maybe the easier answer.
Allow the time to heal. ALONE! Yes it’s terrifying, yes it’s lonely but you are strong and you are smart. You can and will find the help and support you need along the way. Be smart, keep safe, baby steps..
For 6 years I kind of had a sign on my forehead that said ‘Fuck Off’. It was neon and I lit it up every time a man got too close to me. It was my psychic protection. It was my barrier until I was stronger and less vulnerable.
Now I feel confident, safe and trust my instincts regarding who or what is good for me.. I’m in meetup group and I talk regularly to men. Many I have had to set boundaries with. I still attract damaged men because I have been damaged. I was abused in my childhood, neglected and traumatised.. they have too (some of them aren’t aware..)
It’s not because of my incredibly beauty or personality (haha I wish..) that attracts them, it’s my vulnerability, it’s my energy.
It’s not love. It’s attraction. Opposites attracting..
Entering into a relationship before you are ready is a ‘booby trap’ that eventually blows up on you and you’re left picking up the pieces of your heart and soul.
You will feel safe in time …to meet people and instinctively know who is good for you. In the meantime you may feel intense ‘attraction’ to certain people but that does not mean you should be with them!!
‘Use your heart but take your brain with you’.
You already know you can really like or love a person that is not good for you right now.. or at all!
I don’t expect my next partner to be like me but it will be a healthy relationship. No more major dysfunction, poor communication, power dynamics, immaturity, codependence, unwillingness to face issues, games, no more feeling of complete imbalance.
Love should be a whole lot easier than that.
You can face your fears whether they are survival issues or abandonment. You have in you incredible faith and courage to tap into. Then you will attract your best partner, someone who has healed and is not damaged or codependent.
Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.
Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.
I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.
Maybe writing about it will help.
I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.
After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.
I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..
I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.
I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.
After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.
I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.
I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.
If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.
Even now I’m still fighting to survive.
I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.
I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.
I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.
A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.
I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.
Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.
I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.
I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.
We go through so much don’t we.
I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..
I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..
Why healers are needed
Is free thinking a mental illness?
Take a relatively new mental illness ‘label’ called “oppositional defiant disorder” or ODD. Defined as an “ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior,” symptoms include questioning authority, negativity, defiance, argumentativeness, and being easily annoyed.
Once that was a ‘personality trait’ called a rebel (or a revolutionary, political protester, nonconformist). Someone who challenges authority to effect social change, or rejects spiritual systems that do not serve inner needs.
In the last 50 years, the DSM-IV has gone from 130 to 357 mental illnesses. WTF.. Just a question.. are new “mental illnesses” created for political repression?
And why does the media portray mental illness as dangerous, when the people I’ve met with bipolar, depression, OCD, PTSD, schizophrenia or who have experienced a spiritual crisis have been the most aware, intelligent, creative, caring, gentle and soulful people I have ever met.
It’s a shame they are duped to believe they are ‘sick’ instead of sensitive, and that they need meds when the majority would do well with loving support, gentle guidance, someone who listens and cares and the time to heal.
In 2013 an estimated 44 million adults in the US had any mental illness, and 10 million suffered from a serious mental illness in the past year.
According to a study, the general population believe the cause of mental illness is childhood abuse, trauma, adult life crisis, or series of difficult events like loss of income, poverty, death of a loved one, trauma etc.. but according to the medical society it is due to a serious brain chemical imbalance. (To me any brain imbalance is by far a secondary issue and should be treated as secondary).
New mental illnesses identified by the DSM-IV include arrogance, narcissism, above-average creativity, cynicism, and antisocial behavior! In the past, these were called “personality traits,” but now they’re diseases.
Are these symptoms of a culture over-diagnosing and overmedicating?
A Washington Post article observed that, if Mozart were born today, he would be diagnosed with ADD and “medicated into barren normality”.
Jesus would have above average creativity (as an illness), dissociative disorder, schizophrenia, God complex, schizoaffective disorder, and not considered a spiritual teacher or on a shamanic path. He would also be medicated to barren ‘normality’.
What is normal?
Are we being mentally and spiritually oppressed? Is our culture pro-healing? Does our culture accept freethinkers, or are we just barely out of the dark ages?
According to the DSM-IV, the diagnosis guidelines for identifying oppositional defiant disorder are for children, but adults can just as easily suffer from the disease. This should give any freethinkers reason for worry.?
As an example, the Soviet Union used new “mental illnesses” for political repression. People who didn’t accept the beliefs of the Communist Party developed a new type of schizophrenia. They suffered from the delusion of believing communism was wrong. They were isolated, forcefully medicated, and put through repressive “therapy” to bring them back to sanity.
When the last edition of the DSM-IV was published, identifying the symptoms of various mental illnesses in children, there was a jump in the diagnosis and medication of children.
Some American states have laws that allow protective agencies to forcibly medicate, and even make it a punishable crime to withhold medication. This paints a chilling picture for those of us who are nonconformists.
The labeling of freethinking and nonconformity as mental illnesses has a lot of potential for abuse. It can easily become a weapon in the arsenal of a repressive state, and the media only feeds that picture with fear. ‘Out of control’ mentally ill people go on shooting sprees. The real fact is that ‘mentally ill’ people are much more likely to have been the victims of violence than the perpetrators of community violence.
So what is this all about.. fear, corporate greed, political control, lack of compassion, the easiest fix for a difficult problem, or that those with no heart (empathy) or wisdom are in control..they do say that sociopaths/ narcissists are always at the corporate top, and that sociopaths don’t suffer from mental illness because they’re the ones that cause it in everyone else .
To me it’s those that have suffered and healed who can help change this crazy system. As we heal, we are the educators and healers. It’s time to shine a light and get out of the dark ages..
.. Bad things happen and they fuck you up.
John Read, one of the leading researchers in the world speaks on what causes madness/extreme states. His central conclusion of his thirty years of research into the psycho-social causes of psychosis is “bad things happen and they fuck you up”. Trauma in all its forms are listed. The medical/disease model and DSM are relegated to the dustbin of history.
Worth the watch SG x