Healing from narcissistic abuse
“The child who expresses feelings that her [his] family cannot afford to face is the enemy in that family’s view of what it needs to survive. They treat her [him] as if it’s “her [him] or them,” and she [he] believes it… Sadly, the adult that she [he] becomes often treats the child inside with the same disregard and repressive attitudes that the adults who surrounded her [him] did.”
~ Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume
“The abusive family system is a family in camouflage…The abuse is not only hidden from public view but from the view of family members themselves…Anything that doesn’t fit is buried or rationalized away. Anyone who tells the secrets or points out the sickness is punished or even exiled. The façade is maintained at the expense of individual family members.”
~ Repressed Memories by Renee Fredrickson Ph.D.
Conflict Needs Players
Perpetrator . Victim Rescuer
Dr Stephen Karpman’s 1968 idea, was that conflict needs players and players need roles. The consequential objective of each role is just to have its own needs met – even if temporarily – in order to feel justified in its rationale/behaviour/feeling.
- The Persecutor: happy to allocate blame and to ensure that other players know they are in the wrong. They are probably angry, accusative, inflexible and feeling very righteous. In order to have their needs met, they require The Victim; someone onto whom they can project their irritation.
- The Victim: The Victim takes the brunt of The Persecutor’s wrath. The Victim feels hard-done-by, got-at, powerless, ashamed, unable to do anything. This is obviously a position of anxiety for most, but psychologically it can actually often bring some comfort. You know where you are when you are The Victim, and it’s easy to seek the pity of others. If The Victim role feels natural to you, then you need to seek out The Persecutor (if you haven’t already got one) but also The Rescuer.
- The Rescuer: a big ball of guilt, who needs someone to help, because when you’re the hero to others then you don’t have to deal with your own feelings of anxiety or displacement. The Rescuer appears to be The Victim’s saviour from The Persecutor, but actually cements the others in their negative behaviours – almost giving them permission to stay as the bully or the bullied as it makes everyone feel that they have a purpose.
Avoiding Codependency, Abuse, Dysfunction And Love Addiction
NO CODEPENDENTS ALLOWED!
Why put aside love..?
Because it’s a bomb. It’s booby trapped. It’s a trap for young (and old) players.
After abuse, addiction or codependency, avoiding a love relationship is a decision you need to make unless you are willing to attract another codependent/ unhealthy partner.
It’s scary, actually it’s terrifying because it can mean facing some of your biggest fears.
Being alone or surviving alone..
But there comes a time when facing those fears is easier than the pain of being in another soul destroying relationship.
You deserve more. Not the same old.. same old..
You don’t ever deserve to be with someone who will take advantage of you, even if not necessarily intentionally, yes some do not see the issue or the pattern…until you shine a light on it.. and then they are out the door.
Most do not care about the issues or patterns because their personal survival relies on attachment to YOU!
Some partners will use you, some will hold you for way too long, some will praise you and put you on a pedestal and then knock you off it once you bring a little light on the situation. Some are dangerous and need to control you emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically.
The dynamics are out..
Once you decide to heal. you are vulnerable, and in this weakened condition, love can sometimes seem a good answer, or maybe the easier answer.
Allow the time to heal. ALONE! Yes it’s terrifying, yes it’s lonely but you are strong and you are smart. You can and will find the help and support you need along the way. Be smart, keep safe, baby steps..
For 6 years I kind of had a sign on my forehead that said ‘Fuck Off’. It was neon and I lit it up every time a man got too close to me. It was my psychic protection. It was my barrier until I was stronger and less vulnerable.
Now I feel confident, safe and trust my instincts regarding who or what is good for me.. I’m in meetup group and I talk regularly to men. Many I have had to set boundaries with. I still attract damaged men because I have been damaged. I was abused in my childhood, neglected and traumatised.. they have too (some of them aren’t aware..)
It’s not because of my incredibly beauty or personality (haha I wish..) that attracts them, it’s my vulnerability, it’s my energy.
It’s not love. It’s attraction. Opposites attracting..
Entering into a relationship before you are ready is a ‘booby trap’ that eventually blows up on you and you’re left picking up the pieces of your heart and soul.
You will feel safe in time …to meet people and instinctively know who is good for you. In the meantime you may feel intense ‘attraction’ to certain people but that does not mean you should be with them!!
‘Use your heart but take your brain with you’.
You already know you can really like or love a person that is not good for you right now.. or at all!
I don’t expect my next partner to be like me but it will be a healthy relationship. No more major dysfunction, poor communication, power dynamics, immaturity, codependence, unwillingness to face issues, games, no more feeling of complete imbalance.
Love should be a whole lot easier than that.
You can face your fears whether they are survival issues or abandonment. You have in you incredible faith and courage to tap into. Then you will attract your best partner, someone who has healed and is not damaged or codependent.