0

Narcissists and Sycophants: A Marriage Made in Hell

The psychopath and the sycophant (“psycho fan”)960

Rantings and Ravings

Whether we realize it or not, we all have at least one narcissist in our lives. In fact, according to authors Jean Twenge, PhD and Keith Campbell, PhD, there is a narcissism epidemic in this country.  (The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, Free Press, 2009, Twenge PhD., Campbell, PhD.).

After reading this eye opening book I found myself thinking about this subject in general and agree with the authors that narcissism is sweeping our country and wreaking havoc on the personal, social and professional relationships of the masses. Most of us, however, live in denial. We don’t want to view someone we look up to as a narcissist and we certainly don’t want to acknowledge the hold narcissists have on us and on the world at large. We also live in denial about the part we play in the creation of the narcissist and the perpetuation of…

View original post 879 more words

1

Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse is debilitating and it’s harder for people to understand. If he punches her it’s very easy for her to say, ‘That’s violence and it’s not okay.’ It’s easier for her to seek help.

But psychological abuse is sick and twisted, manipulative and subtle.

Want to know how I know the new target has low self esteem? Because they are allowing the narcissist to continue to be in their lives. - After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love:

31

Resolution

Well it seems getting angry and being assertive worked. My daughter really toned down and withdraw her fighting stance.

She can be a bully, so standing up to her worked.

We actually continued to talk calmly and realized that we are chalk and cheese and we tried hard but need to give it up.

I won’t spend my life having to monitor my feelings to be around her and when the sh*t hits the fan it’s just exhausting and she’s really unreasonable. It takes days out of my life recovering from the storm.. and it’s a cycle.

I’m still not functioning, no energy, feel like I’ve run an emotional marathon.

My daughter definitely has narcissistic traits. The first 5 years of her life were very good and she was so loved by her Dad and I. He definitely spoilt her though and I got really ill from burnout when she was 5 and life was not that good after that.

I feel bad when I’m around her, and when we go ‘no contact’ I’m sad because I love her but at the same time I feel free, and I’m free of depression and I feel like doing a happy dance :o(

Sad, but I really believe being a narcissist is a choice, she knows she has her father’s tendencies, she’s really smart but feels she doesn’t need counselling.

She’s 23 years old and her gorgeous boyfriend is starting therapy because she feels he has communication issues (not her though).

Her last relationship was for about 4 years and they were young and the boy was cute, by the end of the 4 years he looked like he’d been through the wringer.

Will she change or grow out of it? Maybe but not for a very long time and I feel it will only be a major life crisis that pushes her to address these issues.

SG x

 

 

 

 

 

6

My Daughter’s Silence

My daughter has not replied to my email or a FB message.. She’s gone silent. I think she’s gone into a silent rage.

I feel concerned.. but still hopeful

I wish even when she is full of anger she would still communicate but I guess she is scared of being explosive (how she usually reacts). She’s fiery, aggressive in her communication of anger, and then she usually cuts you off..

No contact, deletes you on FB. It’s happened before. Many times, it’s an exhausting and frustrating cycle… sound familiar to you? Remind you of your ex, or a parent..

I hope she can acknowledge her feelings and that they’re okay to have. Maybe she’s angry at me or hurt or feeling our relationship is hopeless because these issues always arise.. I wish she could start her communication with me with, “I’m feeling ___ because ____.

Dysfunctional families have messed up communication skills, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive.. but never open and healthy.

Generally I repair the damage with my daughter, because I love her but the cycle repeats. I always feel have to tiptoe around my feelings   .. sometimes we have gone months not talking. It’s painful.

I feel for her, this is all she knows and she learnt this aggressive style from her Dad. My son has a passive style from me.. :o(

Maybe she’s trying to figure out a better way, and silence may be it for now. It’s a change, still not great but a change.

I’m trying to stay positive but it’s frustrating. I feel differently this time though. I can walk away and feel okay, like with her Dad I have done everything I can but I will not stay forever on this rollercoaster ride. Things are up to her now, she needs to see that this approach isn’t working and that things need to change.

I respect her feelings and she also needs to respect mine. I believe she wants a healthy life, healthy love and happy children and she’s seen what happens in your life without this.

I felt I was not hard on my daughter but obviously she’s feeling different. I told her I was proud of her and that she is kick ass strong. That I want her to heal.

.. But I mentioned that I had feelings.. that I hadn’t sleep well and had a migraine. That I felt angry at my cousin and that we had some issues I needed to deal with, and that I felt hurt because I have always felt misrepresented by my family. I told her reading her story of the past had triggered me.

Ughh.. frustration.

I don’t think I did the wrong thing, but I’m so tired of this bullshit communication. I’ve been tired of it for years with my ex husband, my father.. my siblings.

Funny she can see all her father’s faults, she says so in her story.. “that he would never allow her to feel and he would go into a rage if she had feelings of anger or hurt at something he did or said” … but she is completely blind to it in herself.

I hope she will understand that my feelings are normal and okay and it’s not a personal attack on her. I just have feelings about things.

Family just .. LET ME FEEL!

I have always had to block my feelings of anger or hurt for fear of retaliation by some fucking family member!! It’s exhausting.

If I block my feelings I get depressed. If I express them I’m damned. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t! And it doesn’t make a difference if I try to be healthy, gentle or diplomatic in my communication. Believe me I tried it all.

Maybe with all my efforts I’m still expressing my feelings wrong. Maybe I still hurt people? Several people have lately told me that I’m a very logical person and that I don’t express much emotionally.. strange because once I was highly emotional in my communication, but being in survival mode, having to be strong to physically, financially survive and being hurt too many times changes you..  I’ve noticed I don’t express my emotions like I used to. I re-read my blog posts from a year ago (I’ve hidden them now because they were so vulnerable and raw..) and I was full of emotion but I can’t express myself like that anymore. My heart feels blocked and that scares me. Something happened to me around a year ago that crushed me… just not exactly sure what..

Anyway I didn’t block them with my daughter and I don’t feel depressed, angry or hurt anymore.

Instead she is blocking hers.. :o(

I will be patient with her, because this time she is trying a different technique.

Silence, her new form of rage.

I sent her a message, I said “are you angry that I have feelings about these things?”

No reply.

I’ll leave it be. I’ll be patient and hope for the best. I guess I hope it gives her something to think about.

Tomorrow I move on, I have a life to live and things I want to do. No more emotional drowning for me, no more blocking my feelings. Our feelings are our messengers. They are such a gift.

As for my cousin, the damage is done and I don’t feel she is worth my energy, time or reaction. It’s not going to achieve anything with her, there is no win with her. I know her type very well and I know what they want.. your reaction. your hurt, your pain, your anger..  she is someone I feel good not expressing my anger to! sometimes there is power in not reacting. It will be a circus and I have better things to do .. like live.

She wanted to hurt me publicly simple as that. She wanted to f*ck up my credibility.. she hasn’t achieved that because I have nothing to hide. My daughter’s story was true. I was a depressed, abused woman and depressed, abused woman are not capable of being great mothers. My daughter knows I love her with every ounce of my being and that is important.

My daughter is worth the time, energy and effort. My cousie, well I don’t have anything I want to heal with her, she is not someone I want in my life. I don’t feel angry at her anymore. I pity her.

If she ever tries to destroy my life in the future, well that will be a different story, but I don’t feel she will.

Aghh.. I’m struggling each day to survive and I have 3 more children that need to heal their pain. I love my children but all I can think about is how in the f*ck can I keep going.. sometimes my life feels like a never ending hell ride.

You heal yourself, then you help heal your children. I’m sure it’s worth it but I’m not a saint with everlasting patience. Most of the time I just want to run away because I am so emotionally exhausted.

I just need a break from all this. I may have to do that and come back fresher and de-stressed.

 

 

 

Image
31

Unfuckwithable

Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.

Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.

I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.

Maybe writing about it will help.

I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.

After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.

I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..

I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.

I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.

After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.

I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.

I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.

If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.

Even now I’m still fighting to survive.

I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.

I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.

I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.

A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.

I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.

Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.

I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.

I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.

We go through so much don’t we.

I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..

I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..

0

Why Narcissists Rule The World

.. and why empaths need to heal, take back their power and bring in the balance

First up, narcissists/ sociopaths love and need to be in control, they choose careers where they can wield their power. With their high energy (little emotional attachment to slow them down), they make great delegators, they get the menial workers do their work.

They have some very attractive qualities.. often fearless and high risk takers, they have high energy and the natural ability to handle stress (easier with a less emotional view of people or life). They are capable and ‘get things done’, have strategic minds, exude self confidence, self belief, success and charm. They have the gift of the gab and the ability to attract others with their show of ‘success’, high energy, intellectual strategy and emotional resilience … Like the Donald Trumps of this world, outwardly they are the epitome of success (surrounded by money, beautiful people, flamboyant lifestyle etc..)

They also have faults. Greed, lack of empathy, self absorbed.

The CEOs at the top of greedy large companies are often narcissistic/ sociopathic. Sex, self image, money, success, lifestyle, ‘winning’ and power are of prime importance. The lesser beings working below them are considered ‘menial workers’ (much like personal slaves) .. these poor souls are the ‘willing victims’ of corporate greed. 

These corporate leaders are the decision makers but unfortunately their decisions are not based on ‘seeing’ the bigger picture (because they are not that aware) or on wisdom because they are not that wise, they are based on logic and strategy and ultimately getting their needs met. Basically they are out of balance.

They are the brains albeit no heart or spiritual understanding’ (real empathy for others etc..)

 They tend to choose the easy road rather than the high/ hard road, (basically whatever road gets them more power, more sex, and more success/ money), even if it’s on the out-most fringe of being legal or moral their mind can justify these actions. Basically if there’s a loophole and they can ‘get away with it’, they will do it without batting a eyelid or losing a night’s sleep.

Self absorbed, life to them is a ‘one time opportunity’ and they intend to live big.

Secondly, sociopaths/ narcissists show much higher numbers in areas like company heads (as mentioned) law, media, advertising, journalism, the medical profession (especially surgery), politics, police and armed forces, religion etc..

Those with high empathy tend to chose caring or creative professions –  teachers, therapists, healers, artists, craftsmen/ women, charity workers, stylists, nurses, care givers etc..

So if narcissist/ sociopaths are heading in these areas they are effectively controlling the legal system, the media, the medical profession, police and armed forces, politics, areas of religion etc..

Obviously there are great many healthy and balanced people that can see through the flaws and are making big changes, but it does makes sense of the world today and how especially these professions are lacking in healthy balance, empathy, wisdom, and seeing the bigger picture.

Evolution happens and things will slowly change for the better, I’m confident of that.

But don’t expect the narcissistic to be capable of changing. It’s the empaths that are pushed to change, heal and grow, and this will completely change the dynamics.

The world is healing but much like personal healing, it takes time and baby steps. Heal yourself first, balance yourself. Use your head and your heart and you will be in a power position to help bring back some much needed balance to whatever field you work in.

Take back your voice and your power.

Be the change :o)

SG x