Getting Into Survival Mode

Time To Stop Being Passive

Get your life back!

We all reach a point in our life when we need to make the choice to live. To really live.

We may have been through hell but it takes choices and action to get out of hell.

To get up and fight for your life, fight for your future.. to survive.

This is hard when you’re been in a long term abusive relationship or a dysfunctional family – because It’s hard to get up when all you want to do is lie down and you may not know how to survive on your own because you’ve always been controlled. You’re not a strategist and you don’t have the skills of focus, discipline, determination and commitment.

Survival may be something you have never had to do before – to protect and provide for yourself without support.

You may feel terrified. You may procrastinate knowing you have to take some action, but feel overwhelmed where to begin..

Due to the abuse or trauma, you may have PTSD, not be able to focus clearly and be suffering from dissociation, you may find it difficult to take action.

I’m going to suggest one task for you to start. One thing for you to do everyday consistently. At this stage you don’t have to do anything else – except maybe look for some healthy support or talk therapy.

The thing to do is to get back ‘into your body’and re-train your brain  – this is very important especially if you have PTSD and feel somewhat ‘out of body’ and drifting through life. Time is ticking by and you’re not achieving much..

People who have been subject to abusive or controlling behavior are emotionally very strong, they have strong and big hearts, but they need to develop a strong mind to go with their big hearts. From being controlled their mental strength has atrophied – literally. Brain scans prove this.. abuse and neglect damage the brain.

Time to heal and balance that…

This is a very simple plan and it’s starting point to help get back into your body.. and re-train your brain..

You have to be consistent…

Monday – Go for a walk (DO NOT exceed 20 mins). Walk briskly or to the very best of your ability  .. for no more than 20 mins – this is important! If you’re sick or very unfit – go slow and start with 5 mins – the important thing is to start and be consistent. If there is nothing else you can achieve all day – achieve this. This is it, the one thing – forget the dishes, the housework – you only have to eat, sleep, do some washing and do this. Organize what you need the night before – find your old walking shoes, old track pants and a t-shirt, forget about your looks and think about your survival. Don’t make it difficult, keep it simple – throw on your gear and walk out the front door. Get home and rest for the rest of the day if need be.

Tuesday – Do crunches (5 sets of 12) – DO NOT do more than that.. but do them to the best of your ability and do them correctly. Have a break between each set if need be and remember to protect your back as you do them.. Watch the video for a demo.

Get a piece of cardboard and write on it ‘ I am Strong’ in large letters – make a sign.. Place it in the room you do the crunches in. Each time you feel too weak remind yourself that you are strong – do 12, have a break, tell yourself that you are strong and that you can do this.. do 12 more… repeat.

 Wednesday – Repeat walk

Thursday – Repeat crunches

Friday –  Walk

Saturday – Crunches

Sunday – Rest Day

There is a very good reason to start this very simple routine which may not be understandable to you ..

1. People with PTSD or C-PTSD need to get into their body and slowly and gently re- wire their brain – pushing yourself for a hour at the gym daily will never work for people with PTSD – you’ll give up, not because you’re lazy or weak, just that it’s simply too hard and we will be setting ourselves up to feel like failures. Which we are not! This system is manageable.

No fancy gear required.

2. We need to activate our ‘core’ muscles – we can do this by doing the crunches. This is the key starting point to external strength. This relates to our ‘solar plexus’ chakra and issues regarding procrastination. Crunches activate your core and balance your solar plexus..

3. These small and easily achieved acts of discipline a day help you develop mental strength and focus. Remember baby steps.

4. Slowly you will achieve results and it will not be at all difficult, it will take time but it is easy!

5. You will begin to focus better.

6. You must be consistent, think of it as something you do daily like cleaning your teeth.

7. You are incorporating discipline, commitment and focus into your life – you need these attributes in order to survive and heal. You are working new muscles do to speak – mentally and physically.. and they will get stronger.

8. Only you live in your mind, you are in control of it. Tell the little voice inside your head that says ‘I’m too tired, it’s too hard’, I want to sleep’, there’s no point’, it’ll take forever’…. where to go and choose life, choose health, choose to survive.

This may seem small but it is a big starting point.

Next up – Diet for Healing..

Love and baby steps,



Procrastination = Solar Plexus Deficiency

Signs of Solar Plexus Deficiency:
Weak Will
Low Motivation
Low Energy
Poor Self Discipline
Victim Mentality
Emotionally & Physically Cold
Blaming of Others
Poor Digestion
The Solar Plexus Chakra deals with growth and pertains to issues of the:
 Intellect, Personal Power and Control
 When balanced you are able to take action and meet challenges, you feel confident, have self acceptance, and respect for the nature and emotions of others. You are responsible, reliable and have a good sense of humour.
 Ways to Balance your Solar Plexus Chakra when Deficient:
Mentally – Affirmations – “I am positively empowered and successful in all my ventures”
Physically Exercise – Strengthen core muscles
Emotionally – Examine your self esteem, confidence and self respect with a a counsellor.

‘Cups’ (When I’m Gone) – In Irish

2012 song by Lulu and The Lampshades based on the 1931 song ‘When I’m Gone’

I got my ticket for the long way round
Two bottles of whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I’m leaving tomorrow, what do you say

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It’s got mountains
It’s got rivers
It’s got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me by my everywhere, oh
Oh you’re sure gonna miss me when I’m gone

When I’m gone
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone


Finding Someone To Confide In ..

Healing Yourself

Finding A Trusted Advisor

If is often best to find someone preferably of the same sex if you need support. A therapist/ mentor/ advisor who has been in a similar situation to you..  someone who understands narcissism, abuse and trauma and can support you with talk therapy. Someone experienced, non judgemental and healthy who can help you unscramble your mind. Someone safe that you grow to trust. They can help you make plans and take baby steps to create health, peace and freedom in your life. It’s hard to make decisions when your head feels like scrambled eggs from subtle psychological abuse (covert narcissism) or when you’re exhausted from the chronic stress of dealing with the unreasonable.

Do you homework to find the right person.

Psychotherapy- an emotionally charged, confiding interaction between a trained therapist and someone who suffers from psychological difficultiesBy the time I knew I had to leave my unhealthy marriage .. I was in a desperate situation. I hadn’t been big on prayer ..but I prayed out of sheer desperation for the right person to come into my life. I had no idea how I was going to continue without any healthy support.

I prayed for someone who would understand me and my situation and who would be good for me and then I took action when I was referred to counsellors.


Damaged People Attract Damaged People

A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

Healthy people don’t attract predators as partners (damaged people attract damaged people). Healthy people have high self esteem and can see through them – counselling and working on healing your childhood dysfunction and self esteem issues help you heal and attract healthy partners thus breaking the cycle of abuse and changing your dynamics to create a brighter future.

How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they’re so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed?

Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of these subtler signs:

1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don’t mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I’m talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It’s as if they’re saying, “I don’t want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings.” Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you’ve said, even when you’ve been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise (“Pretty good job this time!”). Remember the saying: “Don’t knock your neighbor’s porch light out to make yours shine brighter.” Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.

2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it’s often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they’ve reached the boiling point — even when they’re in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.

3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style. But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.

4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: “If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I’ll become perfect by association.” The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist — at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.

5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences; it reminds them that they aren’t invulnerable or completely independent — that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want — and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn’t ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he’s forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he’d rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all — a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you’re in charge of arranging a night together. It’s more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.


Keeping Yourself Safe

Escaping A Narcissist

The most dangerous time for a abused woman is when she leaves her abuser or threatens to leave.

Do not take this lightly. This is the time when most women are violently attacked or killed. Whether they have ever hit you or not is irrelevent, if he is controlling you and shows the warning signs below, he can be very dangerous.

The sudden fear of abandonment and his losing control of you .. can cause the narcissist to go into a ‘narcissistic rage’.

Have a plan, a strategy, take your time (my escape plan took 6 months of planning). Find a safe house, support, a counsellor who specializes in abuse and trauma – they can help with a plan prior to your escape and emotionally support you, go to a battered women’s shelter, have a talk, get advice, be smart, get into survival mode, save whatever money you can, sell things  – Remember psychological abuse is the same as physical abuse and shelters recognize this..  call an abused women’s support line, they are experts. Find the right help, someone who hears you and supports you. If they don’t take you seriously, find another. If they don’t understand the dangers of psychological abuse and narcissists – keep looking until you do find one that does… Don’t remain passive about your survival. When you have reached the point where leaving terrifies you but staying is a death sentence (your fear of staying is greater than your fear of leaving) – you need to start planning and if this means keeping secrets and hiding money for your own survival – so be it.

Remember baby steps..

You can escape, work on changing yourself and the reasons you attract narcissistic partners and have a better future.

I am happy to answers any questions for anyone in this situation.

If you intuitively know you could be in potential physical danger – watch the movies .. Fear with Reese Witherspoon, Enough with Jennifer Lopez, Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts. They helped me clearly see the danger I was in, and to be careful.

For some time I had to remove myself physically by getting my own place, but I had to wait until he found someone else before he would detach emotionally.

I never wanted to leave him, l did love him but for my own survival and sanity, leaving him was my only option. I sought professional help for my issues but that was never going to be an option for him.

We can dearly love and attract people who are not good for us, especially if we come from a history of childhood neglect, abuse or trauma. The key to change is to change yourself.

x I agree 100% with this. You may need a safety plan to get help. What this really means in practice is living a life in which you are becoming independant  enough(through education or work, learning to drive, saving a little money, saving clothes and your papers) to take care of yourself so when you leave you are stronger and can take care of your basic needs and that of your family.