Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.
Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.
I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.
Maybe writing about it will help.
I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.
After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.
I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..
I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.
I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.
After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.
I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.
I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.
If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.
Even now I’m still fighting to survive.
I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.
I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.
I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.
A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.
I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.
Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.
I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.
I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.
We go through so much don’t we.
I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..
I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..