0

Secondary Depression in Childhood

I am her...

The cause of secondary depression in childhood is the absorbed emotional pain from a loved one suffering from chronic trauma, abuse or neglect. Children are emotionally connected to their mother in-utero – what she feels, they feel. They are emotional sponges and when a loved one is in chronic emotional pain they suffer just as deeply as if the pain was their own.

Many children become highly empathetic at a young age and highly sensitive to the suffering of others.

 

Image
31

Unfuckwithable

Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.

Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.

I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.

Maybe writing about it will help.

I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.

After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.

I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..

I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.

I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.

After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.

I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.

I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.

If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.

Even now I’m still fighting to survive.

I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.

I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.

I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.

A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.

I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.

Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.

I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.

I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.

We go through so much don’t we.

I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..

I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..

0

The Real Cause Of Madness/ Extreme States..

.. Bad things happen and they fuck you up.

Abuse

Neglect

Trauma

Poverty..

 John Read, one of the leading researchers in the world speaks on what causes madness/extreme states. His central conclusion of his thirty years of research into the psycho-social causes of psychosis is “bad things happen and they fuck you up”. Trauma in all its forms are listed. The medical/disease model and DSM are relegated to the dustbin of history.

Worth the watch SG x

2

Hey Beautiful, You Deserve Love

Self-compassion, self-love, self-acceptance

The majority of people who read my blog have been wounded in some form or another (neglect, trauma, sexual, emotional/ psychological or physical abuse). All abuse is equal and damaging no matter what its form.

Often the trauma or abuse originated in early childhood (even if you can’t remember any serious abuse from your immediate family  – remember you can’t consciously remember what happened to you or who hurt you when you were very little) … and often very traumatic events are stored differently (very deeply) as a survival mechanism.

I found out at 45 that there were huge secrets in my family. I got regressed after years of chronic ill health and depression and finally answers came up that made sense.

I had always wondered why I was ‘different’.. why I suffered from childhood depression, why I was a little ‘space cadet’ (dissociative) and why I was so creative and intuitive (hyervigilant) and not particularly logical. Life had been extremely hard.

Early childhood abuse sets us up… it sets us up for more abuse throughout our lives. It sets us up for choosing unhealthy partners and friends and it is the major cause of mental illness. It’s also causes unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions.

Today I have a message for those of you healing from abuse, trauma, neglect and the extreme stress and mental illness associated..

Be kind to yourself, because you are amazing

Be gentle on yourself where others haven’t been – because you are an exquisite soul

Accept yourself.. whether you are creative, shy, anxious, lonely….  a cutter, an overeater, an alcoholic, an anorexic…

Acknowledge your pain and emotions. It is not a sign of strength to repress your feelings.

Love yourself first, every inch of you because you deserve love (your own first) and love that doesn’t hurt.

 Remember you have been through enough stress and pain in your life, don’t add to it – No more unloving thoughts directed at yourself.

Accept this present moment – you are doing the best you can healing in a process that takes time, baby steps and courage. You deserve kudos and respect – your own first.

Don’t push yourself, rest if you need to, cry if you need to, create an environment that works for you, write your heart out if you need to, soothe your soul if you need to..

Just remember the exquisite soul you are and treat yourself accordingly.

Just. Pure. Lovely.

SG x

3

There Is So Much More To You Than Trauma..

Healing From PTSD and C-PTSD

Morning beautiful people!

Today I have added some quotes from Michele Rosenthal of ‘Heal My PTSD’

She is amazing! And an expert in healing from PTSD. I love her concept of ‘choosing who you want to be now’ – post trauma. I believe we do have to choose our new identity, It’s empowering and helps heal our ‘inner victim’.

I’ll also be adding some posts today regarding, baby steps to reinventing yourself and your life after major loss (divorce, trauma, loss of career, loss of health, loss of a loved one).

Love and baby steps,

SilverGirl

Choosing Your Post Trauma Identity

To go back to your old pre trauma identity you’d have to transform into someone lacking your memory on both the psychological and biological levels… and of course this can’t be done. So from this very moment, you need to stop trying.

Building a new concept of who you are now, demands that you look at the things that define you – not just the facts in relation to the trauma.

Trauma happens and so does healing. The past doesn’t stop you from having a future….   and there will be days better than this one.

…You have the power to choose your post trauma identity..

So who do you choose to be now?

All quotes from Michele Rosenthal (healmyptsd)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.