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Narcissists and Sycophants: A Marriage Made in Hell

The psychopath and the sycophant (“psycho fan”)960

Rantings and Ravings

Whether we realize it or not, we all have at least one narcissist in our lives. In fact, according to authors Jean Twenge, PhD and Keith Campbell, PhD, there is a narcissism epidemic in this country.  (The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, Free Press, 2009, Twenge PhD., Campbell, PhD.).

After reading this eye opening book I found myself thinking about this subject in general and agree with the authors that narcissism is sweeping our country and wreaking havoc on the personal, social and professional relationships of the masses. Most of us, however, live in denial. We don’t want to view someone we look up to as a narcissist and we certainly don’t want to acknowledge the hold narcissists have on us and on the world at large. We also live in denial about the part we play in the creation of the narcissist and the perpetuation of…

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Why Narcissists Rule The World

.. and why empaths need to heal, take back their power and bring in the balance

First up, narcissists/ sociopaths love and need to be in control, they choose careers where they can wield their power. With their high energy (little emotional attachment to slow them down), they make great delegators, they get the menial workers do their work.

They have some very attractive qualities.. often fearless and high risk takers, they have high energy and the natural ability to handle stress (easier with a less emotional view of people or life). They are capable and ‘get things done’, have strategic minds, exude self confidence, self belief, success and charm. They have the gift of the gab and the ability to attract others with their show of ‘success’, high energy, intellectual strategy and emotional resilience … Like the Donald Trumps of this world, outwardly they are the epitome of success (surrounded by money, beautiful people, flamboyant lifestyle etc..)

They also have faults. Greed, lack of empathy, self absorbed.

The CEOs at the top of greedy large companies are often narcissistic/ sociopathic. Sex, self image, money, success, lifestyle, ‘winning’ and power are of prime importance. The lesser beings working below them are considered ‘menial workers’ (much like personal slaves) .. these poor souls are the ‘willing victims’ of corporate greed. 

These corporate leaders are the decision makers but unfortunately their decisions are not based on ‘seeing’ the bigger picture (because they are not that aware) or on wisdom because they are not that wise, they are based on logic and strategy and ultimately getting their needs met. Basically they are out of balance.

They are the brains albeit no heart or spiritual understanding’ (real empathy for others etc..)

 They tend to choose the easy road rather than the high/ hard road, (basically whatever road gets them more power, more sex, and more success/ money), even if it’s on the out-most fringe of being legal or moral their mind can justify these actions. Basically if there’s a loophole and they can ‘get away with it’, they will do it without batting a eyelid or losing a night’s sleep.

Self absorbed, life to them is a ‘one time opportunity’ and they intend to live big.

Secondly, sociopaths/ narcissists show much higher numbers in areas like company heads (as mentioned) law, media, advertising, journalism, the medical profession (especially surgery), politics, police and armed forces, religion etc..

Those with high empathy tend to chose caring or creative professions –  teachers, therapists, healers, artists, craftsmen/ women, charity workers, stylists, nurses, care givers etc..

So if narcissist/ sociopaths are heading in these areas they are effectively controlling the legal system, the media, the medical profession, police and armed forces, politics, areas of religion etc..

Obviously there are great many healthy and balanced people that can see through the flaws and are making big changes, but it does makes sense of the world today and how especially these professions are lacking in healthy balance, empathy, wisdom, and seeing the bigger picture.

Evolution happens and things will slowly change for the better, I’m confident of that.

But don’t expect the narcissistic to be capable of changing. It’s the empaths that are pushed to change, heal and grow, and this will completely change the dynamics.

The world is healing but much like personal healing, it takes time and baby steps. Heal yourself first, balance yourself. Use your head and your heart and you will be in a power position to help bring back some much needed balance to whatever field you work in.

Take back your voice and your power.

Be the change :o)

SG x

 

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If Someone Hurt You Deeply To Your Soul, This Zombie Analogy Is For You!

Zombie Apocalypse - A3 Home Decor Poster This may keep the kids away....probably not!

By Karen Salmansohn

If someone hurt you deeply to your soul, it’s tempting to want to shut down and shut off – to give in and give up – to get bitter, resentful, depressed – and all before breakfast!

This soul-shutting-down tendency reminds me of those classic zombie horror movies. You know, those unconscious, soulless zombies walking around in darkness, taking bites out of innocent, happy, soulful people? One chomp, then, suddenly, these newly bitten folks find themselves becoming zombie-like themselves. They feel their souls shut down. They crave spending time in darkness. They want to bite others.

Likewise, if you’ve suffered from an emotional zombie bite, it’s temping to want to join the zombie crowd and shut off your soul, seek dark thoughts, and chomp upon another. It’s especially tempting to want to chomp upon the zombie chump who chomped upon you!

Basically, when you’ve been bitten by a zombie, you can find yourself feeling the urge to become zombie-like yourself. But you must resist. You must stay strong. You must keep your soul alive!

How?

First, you must face toward the light – where love, forgiveness, peace, faith, joy, and growth can all be found. All of this light is what keeps your soul alive – and keeps you from becoming an unconscious, soul-dead zombie.

Zombie-like behavior cannot survive in the light. Zombie-like behavior thrives in darkness, with a shut-down soul and well-fed ego – an ego which survives on being right about having the right to be bitter, resentful, and depressed…all before breakfast!

One the biggest sources of light to keep your soul alive is Self-love. And one of the biggest sources of self-love?

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness can start with forgiving yourself for being bitten by a soulless zombie. After all, chances are, the zombie who chomped upon you didn’t look like a zombie. Just like in the movies, these soulless zombies often pass themselves off as normal soulful people.

Next, you have to forgive the zombie who bit you.  Remember, forgiving your zombie will release their poison from your system. Forgiving your zombie will help to make sure you save your soul from shutting down. Forgiving your zombie will make sure you don’t start craving constant dark thoughts. Forgiveness releases the zombie-bite poison from your system.

Remind yourself that your zombie probably became a zombie because a zombie bit them. And the zombie who bit them, was bitten by a zombie. And the zombie who bit them, was bitten by a zombie.

Feel compassion for these zombies—knowing that they, sadly, must walk the earth living with a shut-down soul—never experiencing  their own soul, dancing and shining with the light of love, forgiveness, peace, faith, joy, and growth.

If you’ve recently been bitten by a zombie, take a moment to vow to yourself that you will do what you can to save this planet from being overtaken by zombies, by making sure you, at least, won’t become a zombie yourself!

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Stages of Grief from a Psychopathic Relationship

Reading this simply amazed me, these are EXACTLY the stages of healing I went through, to a Capital T!!! Every. Single. One! -  Stages of Grief from a Psychopathic Relationship | Narcissist, Sociopath, and Psychopath Abuse Recovery
The traditional 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.You will undoubtedly feel all of those at some point while recovering from the psychopathic relationship. But losing a psychopath is not like losing a friend/family member; it’s not like losing a regular, loving partner. Here are the modified stages of grief from a psychopathic relationship:

Total Devastation
All-consuming devastation. Absolute shock and disbelief. Feelings of total emptiness, thoughts of suicide and extreme difficulty performing trivial tasks. Your hormones are going cold-turkey from a chemical addiction. You will feel ugly and drained — your body will physically deteriorate (before/after pictures of D&D victims are horrifying). Your sex drive will oscillate between desire for him and the misery of thinking about what you no longer have. Psychologically, you are extremely raw and vulnerable from the D&D, but at this point you aren’t even aware what a D&D is — you are just a victim of it, and therefore feel it instead of understand it (like you do now). You genuinely believe you deserve this. That you are worthless. You are nobody without him. You are jealous, crazy, needy, clingy, everything is your fault.

Denial
Typically begins when the psychopath starts waving his “happy” life in your face. You see him running off with OW, or telling the world how flawless his life is (commonly done through social media). You aren’t even angry about the OW, because you likely have no idea how long the infidelity was going on. You just feel the need to prove that you are fine and dandy like the psychopath, because then maybe he’ll want you back. You change jobs, friends, lash out at everyone and everything except the psychopath. You go out drinking, partying, having mindless sex, in huge efforts to convince yourself and him that you are fine. You will become very impulsive, blowing money and harboring delusional thoughts of returning to your idealizer. You may try to replicate the exact dynamic you had with the psychopath with another man, only to get very frustrated that your sex life isn’t as good or that he doesn’t love-bomb you with attention.

Education & Self-doubt
Somehow, you come across psychopathy (or narcissism, sociopathy, etc). Whether it be through an internet search or a therapist, you know deep down that something within you is deeply broken. Even though you want to prove you’re happy, you also want to figure out what the hell just happened. When you read all of the red flags of psychopathy, you will experience extreme self-doubt. You will continue to blame yourself and wonder if you’re just labeling him a psychopath because you can’t handle the “truth” (his truth) of how you ruined the relationship. You oscillate back and forth between your idealizer and devaluer. How could someone who claimed to be so amazed by you also hate your guts? How could he go from obsession to contempt in the blink of an eye? It isn’t possible. There’s no way you dated a psychopath. He loved you. Right?

Understanding the Psychopath
This stage doesn’t exist in any way with the normal stages, but it’s one of the most important in your recovery process. Education can only take you so far. You need to feel what they feel. Most victims live by compassion and love, so it is nearly impossible to empathize with a psychopath. In fact, this is why they’re able to get away with so much. Because normal human beings automatically project their conscience onto everyone else. But sooner or later, you will be so consumed by psychopathy that you finally understand how their minds work. You can actually put all of his behavior into the perspective of a psychopath and suddenly everything clicks. It all makes sense, when it never did before. From the mirroring to the love-bombing to the delayed criticism to the eventual D&D. You feel disgusted. You realize you were never loved; just another target a never-ending cycle. You realize you’ve never behaved like this in any other relationship. You can look back at all of the things that made you feel paranoid, and see that they were all calculated and intentional. You come to the horrifying realization that the person you trusted was actively working against you.

Rage
Once you understand the psychopath, you’re absolutely disgusted. Your self-doubt is being replaced by anger. You know the truth. You see how you were used, manipulated, and brainwashed. You’re beyond angry. You want to murder him. You want to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did. You want to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell (don’t, by the way. NCEA). You obsessively talk about it with your friends and family, you need to get your story out there. You’ve been shut up and minimized for so long, your voice is finally free. You begin to feel all of the things you weren’t allowed to feel in the relationship. Whenever you accused him of cheating or lying, he would turn it around and blame it on you so you felt bad instead of mad. This cognitive dissonance has caused a huge displacement of anger. You feel delayed emotions of jealousy as you realize how long the cheating was going on, as you realize he was telling her you were abusive in order to gain her sympathy. The smear campaign makes you feel the need to prove yourself. This delayed rage is totally expected after a psychopathic relationship. It can take months, even years to feel. Please, if possible, do not act on it. You will only prove the psychopath’s point. The greatest thing you can do is remain calm and composed. It will drive him insane. He wants you to feel rage so he can show everyone how crazy you are and how much you still love him.

Depression
You will go back and forth between depression and rage for a very long time. You will have good days and bad. One day, you will think you can move on — the next, you wake up angry and screaming. You don’t want to be mad. You don’t deserve to be mad. All you did was fall in love. You isolate yourself, you surround yourself with people who understand you on discussion forums. You have obsessive, racing thoughts. The tiniest things set you off. Your boundaries are returning (or perhaps being formed for the very first time) and you can’t believe you let yourself sink so low. You realize how much you lost. Not just friends, money, life experience, etc, but also your innocence. Your kind understanding of the world has been shattered. Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly have trouble trusting. You will experience constant feeling of dread and tightness in your heart.

Healing
You start asking questions. Why did this happen? What are my vulnerabilities? Of course these vulnerabilities aren’t your fault, but it is important to understand how you were able to be exploited. You’re spending time with others who have gone through something similar, so you have hope and little bursts of joy. You have validation beyond belief, often triggering you back to rage & depression, but these feelings are healthy. You are finally feeling what you were supposed to feel during the entire relationship. Everything falls into place and you can calmly & coherently describe what you went through and what happened. Instead of feeling the D&D, you can talk about it like a scientific term. You’ve made new friends, and you’re starting to realize that you’ve almost made it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s taking a while to get there.

Self-Discovery
You begin to discover your strengths. Many of these were strengths you always possessed but never valued. You realize your compassion, empathy, and love are not weaknesses. They are the most incredible gifts in the world, when applied to the right people. Your self-respect comes from within, not other people validating your insecurities. You start to understand who you are and who you’re truly meant to be. It took the psychopath’s nastiness to make you see exactly who you never want to be. You laugh at his old notions that “you were the same person”, because you realize you are exactly the opposite. You begin to explore your creative side, and you stop caring what others think of you. Old friendships may change as you change and become more confident. Embrace the new you, and open your heart to love again. You are free now. You should be so, incredibly proud of yourself. You made it, and your life path has forever changed for the better

This article was originally published in forum thread: Stages of Grief from a Psychopathic Relationship started by Peace View original post
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Damaged People Attract Damaged People

A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

Healthy people don’t attract predators as partners (damaged people attract damaged people). Healthy people have high self esteem and can see through them – counselling and working on healing your childhood dysfunction and self esteem issues help you heal and attract healthy partners thus breaking the cycle of abuse and changing your dynamics to create a brighter future.

How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they’re so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed?

Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of these subtler signs:

1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don’t mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I’m talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It’s as if they’re saying, “I don’t want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings.” Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you’ve said, even when you’ve been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise (“Pretty good job this time!”). Remember the saying: “Don’t knock your neighbor’s porch light out to make yours shine brighter.” Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.

2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it’s often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they’ve reached the boiling point — even when they’re in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.

3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style. But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.

4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: “If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I’ll become perfect by association.” The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist — at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.

5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences; it reminds them that they aren’t invulnerable or completely independent — that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want — and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn’t ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he’s forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he’d rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all — a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you’re in charge of arranging a night together. It’s more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.