Where do you invest your love?
Is it time to change banks!!
I realize I have invested my entire life to emotionally bankrupt people. So much so that I have very little left energy wise, friendship wise, hobby wise, love wise, life wise ..
The moral – the more you invest (income, job, heart, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with “I’ll get them next time”. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating.
The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals.
Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship.
In many cases, it’s not simply our feelings for an individual that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship – it’s often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is “You just don’t understand!”
I invested everything in my family .. I realize I actually have nothing else.. Nope it’s just them and my chronic ill health and depression (Hmmm – well there’s a link..)
They have high energy and get their returns everywhere (Yep they’re Emotional Bank Robbers). They don’t even need me – no wonder they find it so easy to give me ‘the silent treatment’ or shun me if I step out of their circle!!
So today I joined a couple of groups to meet new people and I made some decisions … First to change banks and start investing my love and time in new healthy people and projects .. somewhere where I get a return!!
I spend a lot of my time in an emotional prison and it’s torture. It’s a cycle of bullying, neglect, ostracizing, minimizing and rejection. So painful.
Two, essential!!! Avoid them with Low and for some NO Contact and gain back my power and energy.
Three – gain my returns (life, health and energy) by doing thing that bring me JOY. Joy would be a nice return instead of the heartache and depression I receive from my family..
Fourth, I am still deciding what role my family will play in my life.. ‘Low Contact’ or ‘No Contact’. My ex husband and daughter are a definite NC. My daughter nearly kills me with emotional bullying. I’m not sure what can heal it. Maybe time apart and her growing up and me getting busy!! No amount of communication or counselling can heal a bully unwilling to take any responsibility for her cruel actions.
My son is LC – Birthdays, Christmas etc..not sure about the rest (sisters, brother, Mother, Father..).
Just don’t feel I can play the nice understanding guy to them anymore. Maybe as I get busy with healthy people and joyful activities my huge investment with them will decrease.
At this stage I am taking space from them. I’ve got a feeling things will naturally grow apart without me saying any harsh words.
Just the act of getting stronger will either make them respect me or reject me. My children I feel will respect me, the rest of them I feel will reject me. In all reality I was never accepted from my birth as part of my family..
And sadly they like me weak.. and the unhealthy family dynamics won’t work with me strong..
So I’m keeping busy and looking forward!
It’s been hell but I’m getting.. well somewhere.
It’s fricking taking forever ?? :o)
Love & baby steps,