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Are You In Love, Or Just Attached?

Relationships that are based on control and unconscious drives and needs are codependent. The main indicator of codependency is focusing more attention on the actions and feelings of another person(s) than you do on yourself, and feeling that you have to control everything that happens. When your thoughts are dominated by what other people are doing, you are not, by definition, centered in your own inner process.

If your energy level fluctuates based on what others do or say, you might be codependent. If you feel like you have to monitor everything and make it work, you might be codependent. When you are struggling to control, you are not allowing the synchronicities of the universe to help you to develop.

~ James Redfield

http://themindsjournal.com/are-you-in-love-or-just-attached/

If you’re unsure about your own relationship motives, take a look at the following list and see where you land on love and attachment.
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The Challenges Of Meeting New People

Trying to make opposite sex friends after abusive or codependent relationships

Yesterday I went to the anxiety group meetup and ending up sitting outside with 5 men. Quite a big deal for someone who had a fear of men..

We spent 6 hours together (which was too long but I guess most of us have little to go home to, and were enjoying the connection..)

It was fun, until later when it sank in.

By the time we all left I was feeling fine but I noticed the guys all looked worse for wear. Oops…

Their energy was low and they looked drained. I felt little responsible for what started off as a light and jovial energy (6 hours is a long time for anyone to sit around talking though..)

I actually felt responsible for their emotional state….?? Why did I feel that? Somewhere along the line it got deep, and I’m pretty sure I took it there, but they could have left. They chose to express themselves. So why do I feel I have to leave people feeling they are uplifted and upbeat from talking to me .. I know I find it way harder to see a man in emotional pain than a woman.

Later in the evening I ended up with a headache wondering what had occurred.. then I didn’t sleep (thinking.. thinking.. thinking..) It’s a tape I’m not turning off easily. Suddenly all their words came back to me..

I took a long bath, I did a relaxation technique. I felt a little calmer but still unable to unwind.

I felt neurotic letting this screw me up.

Next day I missed the early morning market because of the fatigue (damn, needed the money..) and then I stayed in today with a migraine from lack of sleep. It’s now 8.30 pm and after processing all that went on in those 6 hours I feel only slightly better.

So what went on.

Well, for a start I have I avoided men like the plague. For 6 years I have almost been in hiding in order to ‘keep safe’, grow stronger, heal and not attract another narcissistic man. Only in the last few weeks have I got out and started being friendly towards men (instead of scared, avoidant and cool). Fact is I was terrified of attracting one. But I am finally feeling completely safe in myself and in my intuition that I can be friendly. make friends and protect myself from the predatory types.

I am an open person, I talk about the deeper stuff and this made it easier for the men to talk about the deeper stuff too. I don’t think they usually do that.

I never acted like a therapist, I wasn’t offering advice or judging. I was just being me and talking. (Maybe I don’t have much of a life and this ‘stuff’ is all I have to talk about).

We found out we are all from dysfunctional families. One guy had young alcoholic parents who split up, one had a mother who had a psychotic break, another had a schizophrenic mother. We all were neglected in some form or other. One had a spiritual emergency at 15 and went through mental health, one has OCD, another was in a serious car accident as a teen and was left nearly paralyzed.

There were some boundary issues, too much advice, a fair amount of judgement ..

A couple of the men listened to my story and then related their own feelings regarding their own mothers on me. I just listened and didn’t react. I realize not to take what they say personally, because it’s not personal, they were just re-living their pain and projecting it on me.

I do know I don’t want to reject them, I don’t want to run from people anymore. I want to accept people.

Two were very forward regarding their attraction towards me. In the real world I’m pretty invisible but they made me feel like hot property. I didn’t feel flattered, because it isn’t really real and it gets in the way of making healthy friendships. One guy was aggressive in his approach the other more frustrated and I get the sense if I’m not willing to be what he wants/ needs he’ll end up rejecting me, almost like he’s created an illusion of me in his own mind.

The aggressive guy was just hoping to hook up with a vulnerable woman to fix all his problems. He’s easy to deal with him. But the frustrated guy I really like as a friend, he’s got a great heart. I have considered messaging him to discuss things a little and set a friendly boundary.

Truth is I don’t want to date, I’m far from it. I just want make deeper healthier connections and friendships. Everyone is painfully misunderstood and painfully lonely. Everyone wants a loving relationship you can feel that, but for now close friendships are loving relationships.

It’s challenging though, maybe I just rehashed the past for everyone.. Ughh!

I’m still questioning whether to go again, or whether the answers lie in staying, setting boundaries with them and with myself, healthy open communication, and that all this is actually very healing even if a little painful at times.

Maybe it’s okay that they opened up and experienced some pain. I guess my fear is that they’ll avoid me as the woman who made them feel too much and brought the energy down :o(

Hopefully I’ll feel better and clearer about things as the migraine clears, as you can see I feel and think a great deal!

I’ll try to focus on my life today. Maybe get in the garden.

Writing it out is therapeutic though and I’ll try to be gentle on myself this is a new experience for me, and maybe for them.

Love SG x

 

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Are You A Codependent? – A Checklist

Check out this great post on codependence by ‘mathematicalpie’.
Been there..  and will never return!

mathematicalpie

I am a codependent but I strive not to be in a codependent relationship. I believe my nature (DNA) is codependent reinforced by an abusive childhood and hammered home by marrying a narcissist. No medical training just my experience talking. Better not Broken blogged about a checklist with some very strong ‘tells’ such as ‘does your partner use the choke hold in sex, does he own a gun’ and I felt my personal checklist was a little more subtle and promised I’d try to write it. I do hope I can separate the two things, although I will always be a codependent, I am trying very hard to not be in a codependent relationship so there are two checklists. So here goes.

Are you a codependent?
Are you told often you are too nice?
Do you love to solve people’s problems?
Do you shrink if people around you get angry…

View original post 587 more words

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The Vampire Archetype

Light Attribute

Makes you aware that something or someone is draining your life force.

Ability to hold your own energy.

Shadow Attribute

Depleting others for your psychic survival.

Chronic complaining and co-dependency.

The Vampire is a mythic creature associated with both blood-sucking and eroticism. Vampires require blood, which they get by biting the neck of their victims during a nocturnal visit.

The female victim has been portrayed in the paradoxical circumstances of wanting to repel the Vampire while at the same time welcoming the erotic nature of the connection. The Vampire returns every evening to his source of life until there is no more to be had.

The parallels between human lust and vampiric blood-lust are rich: as the Vampire satisfies his thirst for blood, his host grows increasingly helpless and submissive, eventually being drained of any capacity for self-protection.

Symbolically, this relationship speaks of the power dynamics that frequently drive male-female relationships, in which the male drains the power of the female for his own psychic survival, and, once bitten, the female submits even though this will eventually take all of her power. (In some relationships, of course, the roles can easily become reversed.)

Beyond the sexual level, we sometimes form psychic attachments to others because we desire their energy, a desire that manifests through a need for approval, a need to have the “other” take care of our survival, and a fear of being abandoned.

What has been defined as a co-dependent relationship could easily fall under the Vampire template.

You may find it hard to identify yourself as a Vampire, yet it is essential to review this archetype personally.

The Shadow Aspect

Patterns of behavior such as chronic complaining, over-dependency, holding on to a relationship emotionally or psychically long after it has ended, and chronic power struggles are all indicators of Vampire patterns. Holding onto someone on the psychic level is as real as holding on to them on the physical.

Interest in the Vampire archetype has re-emerged through the literary and entertainment fields. It may well be that the archetypal opening of humanity’s psyche during these past five decades has resurrected the Vampire, empowering it with a force on the psychic plane of consciousness that was not engaged prior to this time.

Evaluation

Look for a lifelong pattern of behaviour such as chronic complaining, over-dependency and holding onto relationships psychically long after they’ve ended.

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