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Our Deepest Fears

I don’t feel I came here to play small. I can die living or live dying.. it’s a choice … but I’m going to die either way..

I’d prefer a way that scares and excites me, uses all my potential and makes me proud of the way I lived.

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Thinking About Writing A Book

Creating Balance ~ The Bigger Picture Of Healing 

After the experience with my daughter, I feel quite serious about writing a book about my life and what I have learnt in relation to healing.

It will be educational and not solely about day to day abuse or finger pointing. Rather it’s main focus will be on spiritual, emotional and physical understanding of healing and the balance needed between our masculine and feminine sides by using examples.

It’s a book about, the bigger picture.

We need to create the balance within us in order to heal, and then by using our hard earned wisdom together with our logic, we can unlock our full potential and use this to help heal an unbalanced world.

We all have this gift and that power within us. But being powerful in a potentially dangerous world is what scares us the most.

I’m no gifted writer like the many that are here on WordPress, so it will be challenging and a big undertaking, but even if it never gets published I think it’s something I need to do.

I thought about it in the past but it felt a daunting task. It’s complex and a great deal to put together and think about. I wrote 28 pages once for my lawyer and I was triggered and sick for weeks afterwards, so focusing too much on my specific abuse is not what I’m going to do, or want to do.

It’s definitely going to be a very slow process. Being free to work on it while I’m travelling would be awesome.

I may write under a pseudonym, but I’ll see once I start and just how in depth I decide to go. I feel this book has the potential to change the way mental health is viewed. (Thinking big haha)..

I haven’t had the courage to write about my spiritual experiences here on WordPress, but I will in this book. As part of my healing I delved into ancestral history, and the roles or archetypes played by our ancestors and how they are repeated in the present through our DNA.

So it will relate to each person’s perspective/ experience at different times historically.

Studying generational abuse, the origin of the cycle, and the spiritual reason why people abuse, history repeating, roles repeating etc..

Ultimately it’s going to be about education, spiritual healing and fearlessly unlocking your potential.

Love & baby steps

SG x

 

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Unfuckwithable

Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.

Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.

I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.

Maybe writing about it will help.

I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.

After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.

I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..

I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.

I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.

After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.

I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.

I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.

If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.

Even now I’m still fighting to survive.

I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.

I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.

I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.

A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.

I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.

Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.

I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.

I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.

We go through so much don’t we.

I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..

I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..

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Why Narcissists Rule The World

.. and why empaths need to heal, take back their power and bring in the balance

First up, narcissists/ sociopaths love and need to be in control, they choose careers where they can wield their power. With their high energy (little emotional attachment to slow them down), they make great delegators, they get the menial workers do their work.

They have some very attractive qualities.. often fearless and high risk takers, they have high energy and the natural ability to handle stress (easier with a less emotional view of people or life). They are capable and ‘get things done’, have strategic minds, exude self confidence, self belief, success and charm. They have the gift of the gab and the ability to attract others with their show of ‘success’, high energy, intellectual strategy and emotional resilience … Like the Donald Trumps of this world, outwardly they are the epitome of success (surrounded by money, beautiful people, flamboyant lifestyle etc..)

They also have faults. Greed, lack of empathy, self absorbed.

The CEOs at the top of greedy large companies are often narcissistic/ sociopathic. Sex, self image, money, success, lifestyle, ‘winning’ and power are of prime importance. The lesser beings working below them are considered ‘menial workers’ (much like personal slaves) .. these poor souls are the ‘willing victims’ of corporate greed. 

These corporate leaders are the decision makers but unfortunately their decisions are not based on ‘seeing’ the bigger picture (because they are not that aware) or on wisdom because they are not that wise, they are based on logic and strategy and ultimately getting their needs met. Basically they are out of balance.

They are the brains albeit no heart or spiritual understanding’ (real empathy for others etc..)

 They tend to choose the easy road rather than the high/ hard road, (basically whatever road gets them more power, more sex, and more success/ money), even if it’s on the out-most fringe of being legal or moral their mind can justify these actions. Basically if there’s a loophole and they can ‘get away with it’, they will do it without batting a eyelid or losing a night’s sleep.

Self absorbed, life to them is a ‘one time opportunity’ and they intend to live big.

Secondly, sociopaths/ narcissists show much higher numbers in areas like company heads (as mentioned) law, media, advertising, journalism, the medical profession (especially surgery), politics, police and armed forces, religion etc..

Those with high empathy tend to chose caring or creative professions –  teachers, therapists, healers, artists, craftsmen/ women, charity workers, stylists, nurses, care givers etc..

So if narcissist/ sociopaths are heading in these areas they are effectively controlling the legal system, the media, the medical profession, police and armed forces, politics, areas of religion etc..

Obviously there are great many healthy and balanced people that can see through the flaws and are making big changes, but it does makes sense of the world today and how especially these professions are lacking in healthy balance, empathy, wisdom, and seeing the bigger picture.

Evolution happens and things will slowly change for the better, I’m confident of that.

But don’t expect the narcissistic to be capable of changing. It’s the empaths that are pushed to change, heal and grow, and this will completely change the dynamics.

The world is healing but much like personal healing, it takes time and baby steps. Heal yourself first, balance yourself. Use your head and your heart and you will be in a power position to help bring back some much needed balance to whatever field you work in.

Take back your voice and your power.

Be the change :o)

SG x

 

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The Crazy Mental Health ‘Industry’

Why healers are needed

Is free thinking a mental illness?

Take a relatively new mental illness ‘label’ called “oppositional defiant disorder” or ODD.  Defined as an “ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior,” symptoms include questioning authority, negativity, defiance, argumentativeness, and being easily annoyed.

Once that was a ‘personality trait’ called a rebel (or a revolutionary, political protester, nonconformist). Someone who challenges authority to effect social change, or rejects spiritual systems that do not serve inner needs.

In the last 50 years, the DSM-IV has gone from 130 to 357 mental illnesses. WTF.. Just a question.. are new “mental illnesses” created for political repression?

And why does the media portray mental illness as dangerous, when the people I’ve met with bipolar, depression, OCD, PTSD, schizophrenia or who have experienced a spiritual crisis have been the most aware, intelligent, creative, caring, gentle and soulful people I have ever met.

It’s a shame they are duped to believe they are ‘sick’ instead of sensitive, and that they need meds when the majority would do well with loving support, gentle guidance, someone who listens and cares and the time to heal.

In 2013 an estimated 44 million adults in the US had any mental illness, and 10 million suffered from a serious mental illness in the past year.

According to a study, the general population believe the cause of mental illness is childhood abuse, trauma, adult life crisis, or series of difficult events like loss of income, poverty, death of a loved one, trauma etc..  but according to the medical society it is due to a serious brain chemical imbalance. (To me any brain imbalance is by far a secondary issue and should be treated as secondary).

New mental illnesses identified by the DSM-IV include arrogance, narcissism, above-average creativity, cynicism, and antisocial behavior!  In the past, these were called “personality traits,” but now they’re diseases.

Are these symptoms of a culture over-diagnosing and overmedicating?

A Washington Post article observed that, if Mozart were born today, he would be diagnosed with ADD and “medicated into barren normality”.

Jesus would have above average creativity (as an illness), dissociative disorder, schizophrenia, God complex, schizoaffective disorder, and not considered a spiritual teacher or on a shamanic path. He would also be medicated to barren ‘normality’.

What is normal?

Are we being mentally and spiritually oppressed? Is our culture pro-healing? Does our culture accept freethinkers, or are we just barely out of the dark ages?

According to the DSM-IV, the diagnosis guidelines for identifying oppositional defiant disorder are for children, but adults can just as easily suffer from the disease.  This should give any freethinkers reason for worry.?

As an example, the Soviet Union used new “mental illnesses” for political repression.  People who didn’t accept the beliefs of the Communist Party developed a new type of schizophrenia.  They suffered from the delusion of believing communism was wrong.  They were isolated, forcefully medicated, and put through repressive “therapy” to bring them back to sanity.

When the last edition of the DSM-IV was published, identifying the symptoms of various mental illnesses in children, there was a jump in the diagnosis and medication of children.

Some American states have laws that allow protective agencies to forcibly medicate, and even make it a punishable crime to withhold medication.  This paints a chilling picture for those of us who are nonconformists.

The labeling of freethinking and nonconformity as mental illnesses has a lot of potential for abuse.  It can easily become a weapon in the arsenal of a repressive state, and the media only feeds that picture with fear. ‘Out of control’ mentally ill people go on shooting sprees. The real fact is that ‘mentally ill’ people are much more likely to have been the victims of violence than the perpetrators of community violence.

So what is this all about.. fear, corporate greed, political control, lack of compassion, the easiest fix for a difficult problem, or that those with no heart (empathy) or wisdom are in control..they do say that sociopaths/ narcissists are always at the corporate top, and that sociopaths don’t suffer from mental illness because they’re the ones that cause it in everyone else .

Any opinions..

To me it’s those that have suffered and healed who can help change this crazy system. As we heal, we are the educators and healers. It’s time to shine a light and get out of the dark ages..