My Daughter’s Silence

My daughter has not replied to my email or a FB message.. She’s gone silent. I think she’s gone into a silent rage.

I feel concerned.. but still hopeful

I wish even when she is full of anger she would still communicate but I guess she is scared of being explosive (how she usually reacts). She’s fiery, aggressive in her communication of anger, and then she usually cuts you off..

No contact, deletes you on FB. It’s happened before. Many times, it’s an exhausting and frustrating cycle… sound familiar to you? Remind you of your ex, or a parent..

I hope she can acknowledge her feelings and that they’re okay to have. Maybe she’s angry at me or hurt or feeling our relationship is hopeless because these issues always arise.. I wish she could start her communication with me with, “I’m feeling ___ because ____.

Dysfunctional families have messed up communication skills, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive.. but never open and healthy.

Generally I repair the damage with my daughter, because I love her but the cycle repeats. I always feel have to tiptoe around my feelings   .. sometimes we have gone months not talking. It’s painful.

I feel for her, this is all she knows and she learnt this aggressive style from her Dad. My son has a passive style from me.. :o(

Maybe she’s trying to figure out a better way, and silence may be it for now. It’s a change, still not great but a change.

I’m trying to stay positive but it’s frustrating. I feel differently this time though. I can walk away and feel okay, like with her Dad I have done everything I can but I will not stay forever on this rollercoaster ride. Things are up to her now, she needs to see that this approach isn’t working and that things need to change.

I respect her feelings and she also needs to respect mine. I believe she wants a healthy life, healthy love and happy children and she’s seen what happens in your life without this.

I felt I was not hard on my daughter but obviously she’s feeling different. I told her I was proud of her and that she is kick ass strong. That I want her to heal.

.. But I mentioned that I had feelings.. that I hadn’t sleep well and had a migraine. That I felt angry at my cousin and that we had some issues I needed to deal with, and that I felt hurt because I have always felt misrepresented by my family. I told her reading her story of the past had triggered me.

Ughh.. frustration.

I don’t think I did the wrong thing, but I’m so tired of this bullshit communication. I’ve been tired of it for years with my ex husband, my father.. my siblings.

Funny she can see all her father’s faults, she says so in her story.. “that he would never allow her to feel and he would go into a rage if she had feelings of anger or hurt at something he did or said” … but she is completely blind to it in herself.

I hope she will understand that my feelings are normal and okay and it’s not a personal attack on her. I just have feelings about things.

Family just .. LET ME FEEL!

I have always had to block my feelings of anger or hurt for fear of retaliation by some fucking family member!! It’s exhausting.

If I block my feelings I get depressed. If I express them I’m damned. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t! And it doesn’t make a difference if I try to be healthy, gentle or diplomatic in my communication. Believe me I tried it all.

Maybe with all my efforts I’m still expressing my feelings wrong. Maybe I still hurt people? Several people have lately told me that I’m a very logical person and that I don’t express much emotionally.. strange because once I was highly emotional in my communication, but being in survival mode, having to be strong to physically, financially survive and being hurt too many times changes you..  I’ve noticed I don’t express my emotions like I used to. I re-read my blog posts from a year ago (I’ve hidden them now because they were so vulnerable and raw..) and I was full of emotion but I can’t express myself like that anymore. My heart feels blocked and that scares me. Something happened to me around a year ago that crushed me… just not exactly sure what..

Anyway I didn’t block them with my daughter and I don’t feel depressed, angry or hurt anymore.

Instead she is blocking hers.. :o(

I will be patient with her, because this time she is trying a different technique.

Silence, her new form of rage.

I sent her a message, I said “are you angry that I have feelings about these things?”

No reply.

I’ll leave it be. I’ll be patient and hope for the best. I guess I hope it gives her something to think about.

Tomorrow I move on, I have a life to live and things I want to do. No more emotional drowning for me, no more blocking my feelings. Our feelings are our messengers. They are such a gift.

As for my cousin, the damage is done and I don’t feel she is worth my energy, time or reaction. It’s not going to achieve anything with her, there is no win with her. I know her type very well and I know what they want.. your reaction. your hurt, your pain, your anger..  she is someone I feel good not expressing my anger to! sometimes there is power in not reacting. It will be a circus and I have better things to do .. like live.

She wanted to hurt me publicly simple as that. She wanted to f*ck up my credibility.. she hasn’t achieved that because I have nothing to hide. My daughter’s story was true. I was a depressed, abused woman and depressed, abused woman are not capable of being great mothers. My daughter knows I love her with every ounce of my being and that is important.

My daughter is worth the time, energy and effort. My cousie, well I don’t have anything I want to heal with her, she is not someone I want in my life. I don’t feel angry at her anymore. I pity her.

If she ever tries to destroy my life in the future, well that will be a different story, but I don’t feel she will.

Aghh.. I’m struggling each day to survive and I have 3 more children that need to heal their pain. I love my children but all I can think about is how in the f*ck can I keep going.. sometimes my life feels like a never ending hell ride.

You heal yourself, then you help heal your children. I’m sure it’s worth it but I’m not a saint with everlasting patience. Most of the time I just want to run away because I am so emotionally exhausted.

I just need a break from all this. I may have to do that and come back fresher and de-stressed.

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “My Daughter’s Silence

  1. I can understand. U have been lot patient enough in this matter. And trying to understand your daughter’s mood and situation . but yes if she don’t talk neither of u can understand what’s going on. U may not even know if she is facing challenges in her acedamics or her personal life ..

  2. I can relate to this from my current experience with my own daughter. Even as she resents her father and other family members not allowing her to feel depression or anxiety…she gets angry when I express my feelings about the abuse these people in my ex husband’s family put me through. She minimizes, discounts, calls my mentally ill…and accuses me of exaggerating and demonizing them…..even though she knows they have damaged her psychologically….she mostly blames me.
    I guess we are the easiest target because we do not retaliate against them…like the other family members would do to them if they pointed fingers at them.

    • I experienced this too Annie. It’s crazy isn’t it.. My children came to me to express all their emotions because I was the only person they could safely do that to. I let them express but many times it was emotionally exhausting because I had four venting to me their stories of anger about how their father had behaved.. they couldn’t tell him. One of my children (I have 4).. my daughter directed all her anger at me, and was terribly cruel, she often broke my heart. Having M.E it was too hard to control her tantrums without getting sick myself from stress. She became like her Dad and I was too kind probably because I was trying to make up for everything. I ended up having to placate her to stop her explosive anger. If I had been stronger at the times and had the power things could have been different. She became an angry victim and remains in victim mode today. She blames everyone, she blames me.. she was very spoilt by her father when she was little (she was on a pedestal), then he dropped her completely when she stood up to him (in true narcissistic fashion).. She is the one child I did confide in too much.. I went a very long time saying nothing detrimental about their father but he continued his cunning abuse after the split and I needed the truth heard. She was about 16.. but children need to be children, they don’t want to hear the adult problems, they shouldn’t have to hear the adult problems .. It screws them up and they are not stupid, but we are emotionally abusing them if we discuss it with them. It stresses them further, instead we need to talk to therapists.
      I had no support and my ex. pushed me into a terrible place, twisting stories and looking like a Saint. I wanted them to know the truth.

      I don’t feel guilty, because I was nearly losing my mind from stress. I did the very best I could and knew at that time. She has her path in life and now she displays all the traits of a abusive bully and narcissist… maybe one day she may wake up and heal that anger, stop being a victim and a bully and see the truth. But I’m not holding my breath. I do not need more abuse, and she does not need more drama. We are better off apart. It’s terribly sad as she was a beautiful child but narcissistic families create narcissistic children … If anything I have seen how one is created, she was the most spoilt by her father, the most attached to her father and loved him, he also knocked her off the pedestal when she stood up to him, and she became the opposite of me to survive, not passive… aggressive. I need to focus on my own life and let her focus on hers. She is already in a narcissistic relationship. She is not ready to heal.. and may never be.
      I refuse to beat myself up as well. I did some things wrong I see that now but I know I’m a good woman. Really hard when you have no decent support and your purposefully being confused.

      • You are a good woman. You have potential to create healing in others and it will transfer back to you. Healing others is the most healing experience I have ever had, It is your path and mine. If we had not gone through these things, we never would have been able to understand the other women and men who have been victimized.
        Love,
        Annie <3

      • Thank you for reading all that Annie! I really appreciate your comment and I’m so happy for you regarding your work. You deserve it! <3 Guess I needed to vent and set the record straight to someone. My worst problem was I was too loving and kind. Hugs fellow healer :o)

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