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Unfuckwithable

Unfuckwithable… I’m not quite here yet.. especially in regards to my children.

Only yesterday something my adult daughter wrote bothered me greatly and I didn’t sleep well. I feel hurt and angry, I have a migraine today.

I can’t afford to get sick or stressed, I need to keep moving forward so I’m trying not to dwell emotionally and instead stay focused on what I need to do. I’m trying to put this pain to one side. But it lingers.

Maybe writing about it will help.

I cannot control what my daughter writes or feels but she wrote about her childhood publicly, on facebook and to be published as part of a book.

After she had already written it, and it was posted, she emailed me to tell me she hoped it wouldn’t offend me. I lied and told her I was fine with it .. but I’m not.. I’m not fine at all. I feel broken.

I want to tell her I’m hurt that she wrote this publically, that I’m angry she dealt with my cousin who has a secret agenda all her own, but instead I told her that I was proud of how far she had come… why… because I felt that’s what I should do… she’s my daughter..

I wrote and told her I was sorry for her pain, and that it was never my intention for any baby of mine to have an unhappy childhood, and she replied saying she knows it wasn’t my fault.

I fully believe she has a right to a voice, but another part of me is angry because my manipulative cousin instigated it, and it hurt that she publicized her story.

After reading the story, I never defended myself because I know this was about her life, her voice, her healing .. not mine.

I am here to give her a voice, not silence her as my family did to me. I know the pain of that.

I also know I did the very best job I could as a mother considering my circumstances, and that my daughter will never know the extent of what I have been through in my life. Conceived by rape, seriously emotionally abandoned neglected as a child, sexually abused at 2, drugged and raped at 15, married to a covert narcissist at 18 until 43 years old when I escaped him, chronic fatigue syndrome for 20 + years, C-PTSD, burnout, chronic depression, a spiritual emergency, alienated from my children, regression therapy, abuse and trauma therapy, years of searching for answers, an autoimmune disorder.. the list goes on.

If only she knew how exhausted I am and how hard I fought to heal, to break the cycle of abuse, to escape my marriage and my family so her life could be better than mine.

Even now I’m still fighting to survive.

I respect her reality in her own words and I want her to heal. She didn’t lie but her total focus was on the negative, not a word on anything good.

I guess that hurts a great deal because I feel I tried with all my strength to create good memories. Maybe the bad ones just overshadowed them.

I want to heal too, but we differ as I would never publicly shame my parents. That wouldn’t heal me.

A good deal of her focus was on her narcissistic father but also on my passivity.. if only she knew his true capabilities and how terrified I was. I had to tread carefully to escape.

I have been livid at my parents, they have hurt me greatly and I have zero contact with them. I have written about my them, my family and my childhood on this blog but my blog is anonymous.

Public shaming hurts, she is young, she doesn’t understand the full story. We had been talking in great detail lately and had healed the past. I had suggested to start an anonymous blog of her own and write her heart out.. didn’t quite expect this, but I know my cousin did and that she got her when she was vulnerable.

I’ll survive these feelings. Right now I feel battered all over again and betrayed, what’s left of my heart is so shattered. Will I ever be that beautiful light woman I once was. I can feel a bitterness in me. Too much pain, too much betrayal.

I am so tired, and I guess I feel triggered. I will try to remind myself this is not personal, this is about her not me.. but today I could happily curl up and sleep forever.

We go through so much don’t we.

I have 3 more children to go, 3 more with pent up anger who will need to heal..

I’m a long way off being unfuckwithable..

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31 thoughts on “Unfuckwithable

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this sweetie. I know your pain as I have a son who told me my brother told him he had turned out so well in spite of his childhood. It broke my heart too because I too was molested at a young age and raped at 18. I worked so hard to raise my two boys, I had learning disabilities and ended up cleaning houses for a living. I too was married to a narcisst after they were grown. Now I just feel like I failed them all I could do is say how sorry I was. But time goes by and I divorced my abuser and what my son said doesn’t hurt so much. I will pray for you tonight as I know your pain.

    • Thank you Ava, I’m sorry you know this pain <3 I hope your life is so much better now because you deserve it. Life doesn't always turn out as we plan and with trauma in our childhoods it set up us for great difficulties. Our hearts are in the right place though. Thank you for your prayers and I'll say one for you xx

  2. Despite the pain, you’ve sure arrived at a mentally healthy, appropriate, understandable place. I tell my story (nmykel.com) but without anyone easily identifying anyone (unless truly motivated and willing to put in a lot of time). One of my aunts and her children have kind of dropped me. … I do wonder that if your daughter read this post, whether she might not want to withdraw the identifiers on her own, alluding to “a female relative who shall be unnamed…etc.), likewise for a male.

    • Hi nmykel, I’m feeling stronger today. Guess I was shocked yesterday. I sent my daughter an email with my feelings. She’s quite a fiery girl so she could flare up in her response (like her father..) but I’m at a time in my life I need love around me, understanding and kindness, I don’t need to react to her. I’ve been through enough. My daughter can heal anyway she chooses, I can’t stop her but this is not something I would do. I’m not really worried about the book, my name isn’t mentioned but the whole facebook thing (promoting stories from the book..) was unnecessary. That came from my money hungry cousin who fails to think about people’s feelings.

  3. I would find that extremely traumatizing. It is like a smear campaign that your cousin thought of to hurt you, and your daughter did not stand up to say it was wrong to do something that would hurt you.

    They do not understand what it is like and how we tried to protect them…and how we were always thinking of what to do so that the narcissist would not hurt them.
    We held back information from them about their narcissistic father, because we thought it was better for them not to know how bad he was.

    We walked on egg shells and tried to stay out of the narcissists way and try to keep as much away from the children as we could.
    They do not know what went on behind closed doors and how their father abused and manipulated us.

    We were imprisoned because of trying to be there for the kids and not have them taken away or anything else the narcissist might dish out .
    I am sorry you have to go through this. I would be crushed, angry, sad and humiliated. It is not just her story and it IS personal. Your side is not presented fairly or realistically.

    And now everyone can see a wrong version of you. It is like when the narcissists strip our identity away and tell other people who we are….and make us out to be a different person. And they tell us they know who we are better than we do….and they try to convince us we are mentally ill, abusive or less intelligent and all that crap.
    Annie

    • I actually feel sick to my stomach and I have a migraine. Sometimes it’s just hard to know what to do..

      It is definitely a smear campaign by my cousin. She is jealous of me (I haven’t even done anything to be jealous of, but it’s like she just knows I am more powerful than her..).. She is a healer but she’s a unhealed healer, she’s high energy and after attention and fame more than anything and seems to be prepared to lie to get attention for herself..the book is hers that she is getting published, it’s about survivor stories. She claims to have healed cancer in her body in four weeks – family know this is a lie. I have no contact with her. Narc alert…??
      My daughter did wrong and is vulnerable, my cousin is charismatic, persuasive, manipulative .. I don’t like my cousins energy, she’s pushy and gives me creepy vibes but she’s all tied up in a neat bow of caring.. She doesn’t even know my daughter but targeted her definitely to get dirt on me..
      It’s done now.. she got her dirt.

      You understand what happens it a narcissistic relationship, just how bad and mentally confusing it is.. and how your childhood trauma binds you. I know at every given time I did the best I could and I got out as soon as I safely could. I’ve been through a lifetime of hell and surprised I’m still alive.. I’m so strong but I’m so very tired of these types of people..
      My daughter can only think of herself and her own pain but she does logically know my pain is 10 times worse.. My side is NEVER presented fairly..
      It is possible she just needed to express her grief and saw this opportunity..
      I want to tell her about my twisted cousin and my pain but if I react to this, I feel like I’m handing her over to my cousin on a plate.

      ***(postnote) I just sent my daughter an email about my cousin and my feelings, should be interesting how she responds.

      • I am glad you sent the email. Maybe your daughter can at least pull down the facebook post, and even pull her story from your cousin’s book or demand to rewrite it…..Did your cousin even offer to pay your daughter…or you….for using that information????

      • It was a short email. Really stating that I’m happy that she’s expressing her pain and working on healing but that I had feelings about things. That I felt angry at my cousin and that I had felt hurt because I felt misrepresented. It’s very normal that I should feel this way – anybody would feel this way, even though they accept their daughter’s need to express their pain… it’s okay for me to have feelings. I told her I was proud of her and she’s kick ass… but no reply from her – it’s been two days.. she’s gone into a silent rage.

      • No reply from my daughter.. My cousin is not paying anyone for their stories and gets the publishing funded by gofundme or something.. This is book two and a third book is planned for mid 2016. I’ll leave those choices to her conscience. I don’t feel ashamed, I know who I am. I’m a good soul. What people think of me is there business. My daughter is worth my love but may be sabotaging our relationship out of fear (in that case there is nothing I can do, I can’t fix her). My cousin is ‘no contact’.. she already was anyway.. this is her ‘payback’.

  4. It is not your daughter that needs to fight your battles. Maybe it would feel much better to mourn the idea of protecting her from your life

    • That’s true. Really I feel most anger towards my manipulative cousin. I did send an email yesterday and I do feel better today.
      I know I can be too passive when it comes to standing up for myself.. sometimes it’s hard to know how to handle things.

      • It was strong in your post and the comments that the problem was the cousin and her merely hidden agenda. You know what ? You have got what it takes to tackle this sneaky snaky narc ! Seriously, if someone can do it, it is you ! You’ve got the narc experience, the knowledge of the beast and you want to heal. Trust yourself, you are no longer a victim. You have the power and you are allowed to use it ! Yeah !

      • Ohh.. I think I may have deleted one of your comments as I was replying.. sorry :o( I’m just not feeling it anymore with the cousin. I was angry now I just don’t care about her. She’s an odd little desperate fish. And long term I feel she will continue her paybacks if I make this a battle. She will escalate from this attempt to destroy my credibility (which failed), to an attempt to destroy my life somehow.. especially if I work as a healer. You know how pissed narcs work. As for speaking up and asserting myself, that will mean diddly squat to her. What will realllly piss her is absolutely no reaction, her games mean nothing to me, and sure I was angry and shocked for a day and a half but now I have more important things to be doing. She has shown me her true colours and better now than later. I don’t feel I have any more trouble from her after giving her ‘no attention’. She lives for dramatic attention, she’ll find another source, but if by chance she does ever in the future try to mess with my career she will feel my full f*cking force and I’ll destroy the dark little b*tch with the sheer power of my light!!! I do means my words… :o)
        Won’t be hard honey apparently I have the backing – haha (all the mediums seem to tell me they have never seen someone as protected as me by layers and layers of angels and archangels around all my sides..) I must admit I do feel really protected.
        Thanks for the support Catherine. Hugs to you xx

  5. Because she will never live your life and know your pains, even if she had to go through the same events she would still react to them in her own way. It is not possible for her

  6. To ever live your life. She can only live hers and it feels like if your daughter found the strength to get out of her own closet to talk about her pains you could be super proud that she is doing it because it shows that the strength to heal and end the shit runs in the family and that is great. That nasty cousin of yours ? Manipulating your daughter ? Tame her instead. She is the snake ? Rattle her cage. Fight your battle, empowered by the will of your daughter to set the record straight because this is your opportunity to do it. Stand up ! You have got this. You gave birth to someone capable of exposing the dirt, you raised the amazon therefore you have the genes, the potential, the resources.

    • I am proud, it is more about my cousin – she seems to be jealous of me.. no real reason in this lifetime, I’m not successful but there is some generational jealously..
      My daughter is strong and I can handle the heat, I want her to heal and have a voice.. you’re right I need my own voice and maybe my email yesterday was that voice. Thanks Catherine you have helped :o) As for my snake cousin .. well she is an unhealed healer (shadow healer) desperate to be acknowledged and will hurt others in her attempt. She is a narcissist and I feel not worth my energy or reaction, she wants a reaction. She wants that power over me. I can see clearly who she is.
      I will think about what I could say to her though in order to stand up for myself.

      • Dear cousin , You suck. That works sometimes 😜😜😜 just being silly. You’ve got this. You know her, you had enough narc undergroung experience to know the beast and where to bite. You have got this ! Yeah for you !!!

      • Hmmm.. she’s a cunning beast. You have to tread very carefully with damaged people, they give you ten times back. I know she wants my attention, but I feel she doesn’t deserve it. I pity her.
        No reaction means she hasn’t managed to ring my bells. She craves power, conflict and attention..
        I’m feeling better today and it’s not stirring me anymore.

    • I would be proud of my daughter if she were telling her story. But if she portrayed me as abusive or negligent due to the abuse by my ex….and I was going to be slandered as an abusive mother to the thousands of people who read the book….not counting the facebook post which was read by people I have to interact with….then that would feel very unfair and retraumatizing to me.

      • It did retraumatize me physically and emotionally on the first day and I just felt frustrated and stressed yesterday. It triggered me I think. I don’t really care what my family think of me anymore. I’m just so frustrated that they won’t let me feel. I’m not entitled to my feelings. My feeling are NORMAL!! I feel better now, I acknowledge my feelings and realize my cousin has issues and my daughter has learnt to react like her father to the emotions of others. Hopefully she will have the courage to see this and work on it.

      • Well she spoke her truth. In her eyes I was a neglectful mother. I was seriously trapped, depressed and abused and not able to be who I wanted to be as a mother. True if I’d chosen a caring/sensitive partner life would have been very different. But my life was set up for abuse from the minute I was conceived. Nothing can change that fact. No magic wand could fix me, it’s taken years of work and confusion.. all while I had children. My husband never hit me (only at the end when I was leaving..) so I didn’t even know I was being abused.. I know I had a heart of gold. She knows I have a heart of gold, and that it wasn’t my fault and that I tried my best, but it was still a suck childhood for her. She needed more from a mother. There were lots of good times and lots of good memories but the bad times were bad and her focus is on that. And there’s always that underlying energy of pain, fear, suffering and struggle present in an unhappy home and causes stress on a child’s system. I don’t feel guilty at all, because I couldn’t have done it any better than I did. I gave being a mother 100% of what I had.. (after my emotional energy of living with a narcissistic man robbed 70% of my energy without me realizes it… he was a vampire). He terrified me and I was under his spell, I couldn’t have left him any sooner than I did, I couldn’t have healed faster.. it is what it is. If I knew what I know now I would have never even dated him. I would of run a mile..
        I’ve told her I’m sorry that I wasn’t the mother she needed and deserved.
        I’m still confused why she decided to make her story public, my name isn’t involved but obviously on facebook people know it’s relating to me because it has her name and story, and a large photo of her. The book means nothing to me. It’s money for my cousin, and getting her name out as an author and healer (she craves attention. I think she craves fame..).
        Maybe my D. is sabotaging any relationship we could’ve have, and that’s sad because I feel she needed me, she knows she has issues but refuses counselling says she’s wise and doesn’t need it!! Without me she may become a full blown narcissist like her Dad. Maybe it’s too late.
        To be honest, I’ve been through hell with her, if this is the case, well I’m better off without another narcissist in my life. So f*cking tragic she was the most beautiful girl. But I also believe it is 100% your own choice to become a narcissist. They always take the easy path and never heal their fears. They would prefer to hurt loved ones than address their issues. That Annie is a choice and sometimes you just have to accept it and walk away for your own preservation xx

  7. Really thinking of you and feelings so sad you have gone through this.
    Until someone walks in your shoes they can never know the true reality of what you suffered and I know from experience as you heal no one knows the level of work that takes and how hard that journey is.
    Children often don’t have the slightest idea of what their parents truly suffered. The focus can be only on their pain until they mature and become less egocentric.
    All I can say is I find your blog so very powerful and inspiring. I know that this in no way compensates for the pain you are going through now. I think you daughter is just ignorant and so sadly has misjudged the entire situation and as you said is only focusing on the negative, sadly. A big healing hug to you. Hope your pain eases in time.

    • Thanks EftDN, it’s good she expressed herself and I can handled to dirt. She knows I did my best, I even think she admires my strength. This is about what she needs to do to heal, but right now she hasn’t matured enough and she has misjudged it and my snake cousin but I feel better today, life goes on :o). Thank God for this blog and all your wisdom <3 Still deciding how to deal with my snake cousin..

  8. I believe in you and your ability to use that opening of the Pandora box to speak your own truth snd clear the crap once and for all. Tame the narc cousin, speak your truth and like your daughter ackonwledge and honor your wounds, you have the right to do it and expose the evil, all the evils, go for it !!!

    • Well I have started. My daughter never realized I have no contact with my cousin, she thinks we are close.. Cousin is a high energy, charismatic narc healer who gives me bad vibes.. she’s overbearing/ overpowering in all she does. From the outside it looks like passion and caring but it’s crazy ambition.
      I have sent an email to let my daughter know my feelings for cousie.. (my daughter lives in another country).
      This is more a smear campaign due to her irrational jealousy of me. Need time to figure out her to deal with my cousin. She also lives in another country..

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