Finding My Cheerleaders

Power In Numbers

Actively Seeking Healthy Support

I need a support team. If there’s one thing I know it’s that I can’t rise again on my own. I’ve tried. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I tried.

I’ve been through a battlefield and it’s been too hard to get up again on my own.

I remember going to a therapist and talking about my life. When I left, after hearing my entire story in one stretch in my own words. It made me think of how much I’ve been through and that I’m still actually alive and not dead from the stress of it all.

I must be an incredibly strong soul, that’s all I can say..

But as much as I’m strong, I know I need help to rise. I know now I can’t do this alone.

The hardest thing about recovering from a narcissistic family and marriage is finding support when you’ve been knocked down so hard by the people you loved that you can barely stand. Stressed, ill, broken, robbed, invisibly wounded… they may not have physically killed you but emotionally, spiritually and physically they took everything you had and left you a shell.

Battered and bloodied, the only thing left is the sheer will of your heart and soul to survive and to overcome.

But having sheer will is not enough. We need cheerleaders to believe in us, or as another blogger puts it, we need an army of angels.

I don’t know about you guys but I often feel like I’ve been in a battle against dark forces (my entire life in fact..).

Ever since my birth I’ve either hid or battled, whether physical or spiritual. I was born vulnerable to attack. I often feel like my life’s been blocked, purposefully blocked so I can’t reach my potential, and my potential is to help others who feel this way..

Does anyone else feel like this?

need support to rise again, support from the light.

It’s hard to find support when you’re isolated, when everyone you meet has trust issues. When the people in your circle have all been abused and are recovering also. Like goes with like.

It’s hard to make friends when the friends play pull and push and never really get too close because they’re scared. They find it hard to decipher what’s safe. It’s impossible to make friends and ongoing support when they’re all hypervigilant and wary.

The men I meet seem to only want relationships instead of supportive friendships. I want to believe that I can have close male friends but I’m not sure anymore, maybe not. 

But I know in order to rise I need cheerleaders. I need people to believe in me, to hear my story and support me to get up again.

I’m actively finding that support. Seeking cheerleaders.

I feel like I’m being led. Like I’m finally finding the light and I’m attracting the light.

Bach flowers have helped immensely. Try them!

I’m going to a Women’s Centre which is amazing, I have my anxiety group – they cannot actively help me but they do care and it’s good to talk, realize there are others just like you and not feel so alone.

I am meeting an owner of a Healing Centre in a couple of weeks and I feel positive about that. I have a great doctor and I can receive 6 free talk therapy sessions (always good to vent). I’ve stopped overeating and I am taking care of myself. I feel much calmer and more relaxed.

Also there are some wonderful people here on WordPress that help me continue to stand when all I want to do is lay down, they get it and they want me to make it, and more than anything I want them to make it.

So my goal .. actively seek and surround myself with support and light. People that have the capability to give me the support I need.

I need all the help I can get, and I know it a ‘pay it forward’ process. One day I want to stand up and make a difference to others like me. And I want to look my abusers in the eye, and I want them to see that what should have killed me didn’t.

I want them to know that ‘I am too strong for you and I was always too strong and too good for you’. I am still here and thanks to my cheerleaders I’m stronger than ever.

SG x

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4 thoughts on “Finding My Cheerleaders

  1. My history is close to yours, and at 62 I had to start over with nothing after 17yrs. of an abusive and narcissistic husband. I’m on disability and living with my son and his family. But I am happier away from him. I have learned to put my trust and faith in God and it has helped a lot. I hope you are young enough to heal and learn to trust people again. I know how strong we have to be to survive years of abuse. I will gladly be your cheerleader and know you will soar high from the experiences that only make us compassionate and better.

    • Thank you for the support Ava :o) It is very hard, I also put my faith in God and believe I am being led to healthy support. I realize I need it, I think I was trying to build myself up alone (well just me and God :o) but really it was too hard. I guess I’m used to doing everything alone and I now need to actively find loving people capable of supporting me. I have been on a sickness benefit and have no money to pay professionals but if you keep searching there is free help available especially at Women’s Centres. I’m 48 and was in a 28 year dysfunctional relationship. I’m feeling so much better and finding good souls. Blessings to you :o)

  2. For me, the hardest part about getting help, is giving myself permission to accept it. You and I seem to have that in common, at least a little. We’ve been the caretakers and the caregivers. The ones who’ve had to fight and claw our way up out of those moments of darkness. Maybe I’m putting too much of my own experiences on your words, but it is so hard for me to reach out and be vulnerable in that way, though I am working on it too.

    For what it’s worth, it sounds like you are doing all the things you can to take care of you. And that is good. Keep questioning. Keep sharing. Explore those things you don’t have the answers to yet, and know that this can be a safe place. There may always be trolls, but those of us who know your story and read, hopefully make this a safe place for you.

    Hang in there.

    • Hi Masqued and thank you :o) It’s very true I’ve been struggling on my own to rise again after abuse but I realize it’s impossible for me. Even with strong souls we all need cheerleaders, we all need people who build us up.. and if not online and if we can’t find friends capable (because they are generally in the same boat as us and although loving are barely holding their own heads above water), we need to actively seek help. Something probably quite foreign to many of us.. I’m already starting to feel stronger by just contacting and talking to a woman at the Women’s Centre. In the past I just couldn’t find the help (and I had no money for professionals) I needed but there is free help available you just have to keep pushing and searching for it. Blessings to you :o)

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