Even if the relationship was abusive or dysfunctional
I’m grieving my family. Strange because knowing I will never be part of their lives again gives me a great sense of relief.
The thought of them contacting me by email, mail or phone makes me feel sick. I want/ need no contact. I have put a block on emails, I guard my phone calls and I’ll destroy any mail before reading it.
Now not that they are breaking down my door trying to contacting me because they’re not .. my mother did send a short note around Christmas, and I wish I hadn’t read it (major guilt tripping). I’ve learnt my lesson if she does it again it will be unread, ripped up and binned.
But I’m still grieving.
I feel sad and down. I wanted things to be different, I wanted it to heal. They couldn’t give me that. That fact shocks me.
I know I won’t feel like this forever, and that it’s okay to feel this heartbroken.
I want to live and I deserve to live.
I’m not going to isolate, I need people around me so I’m joining a couple of groups. One for people with depression and one for codependents. I need my energy up and understanding groups are good for that. I need to continue to work on my house and to keep surviving.
For the last few month I stopped trying to save myself. Bills piled up and I just didn’t care anymore. I gave up. It scared me how I was feeling. I wasn’t suicidal because suicide just isn’t an option for me. But I gave up the fight, too tired and broken to live or continue.
I still feel tired but I want to live again. I’ve lost everything, so I’m not surprised I sunk so low. I’ve been depressed most of my life but this felt very different, this was giving up on saving myself.
I think the people who commented on my blog saved me, and a few coincidences that made me feel like someone ‘up there’ was helping.
One of them was amazing. I had no money for food or to cover my loan because I hadn’t bothered to sell anything, anyway I went into a closet to get something and for some reason I looked in an old handbag and sticking out was $300 (6 fifty dollar notes), which happened to be exactly what I needed to clear the overdraft on my bank account and buy a little food for the week. I seriously have no idea how that money got there. I had looked in those bags recently. It was a handbag I haven’t used for 5 years and I don’t randomly leave money anywhere. I’ve been struggling financially since my divorce so I don’t even know where I got $300 from.
Anyway to me it felt like a mini miracle, I have those now and again, maybe it’s because I have so much faith so I said thank you, and felt extremely grateful and blessed.
You guys know the pain well and have the biggest hearts and have the hard earned wisdom. Somehow you helped me get up again. You gave me some hope that I can keep going, and that there is a future for me.
You never know how your comments touch or help another. We are all sending love, hope and support through these small often brief connections.
Thank you guys :o)
Love SG x