Grieving Is Normal

Even if the relationship was abusive or dysfunctional

I’m grieving my family. Strange because knowing I will never be part of their lives again gives me a great sense of relief.

The thought of them contacting me by email, mail or phone makes me feel sick. I want/ need no contact. I have put a block on emails, I guard my phone calls and I’ll destroy any mail before reading it.

Now not that they are breaking down my door trying to contacting me because they’re not ..  my mother did send a short note around Christmas, and I wish I hadn’t read it (major guilt tripping). I’ve learnt my lesson if she does it again it will be unread, ripped up and binned.

But I’m still grieving.

I feel sad and down. I wanted things to be different, I wanted it to heal. They couldn’t give me that. That fact shocks me.

I know I won’t feel like this forever, and that it’s okay to feel this heartbroken.

I want to live and I deserve to live.

I’m not going to isolate, I need people around me so I’m joining a couple of groups. One for people with depression and one for codependents. I need my energy up and understanding groups are good for that. I need to continue to work on my house and to keep surviving.

For the last few month I stopped trying to save myself. Bills piled up and I just didn’t care anymore. I gave up. It scared me how I was feeling. I wasn’t suicidal because suicide just isn’t an option for me. But I gave up the fight, too tired and broken to live or continue.

I still feel tired but I want to live again. I’ve lost everything, so I’m not surprised I sunk so low. I’ve been depressed most of my life but this felt very different, this was giving up on saving myself.

I think the people who commented on my blog saved me, and a few coincidences that made me feel like someone ‘up there’ was helping.

One of them was amazing. I had no money for food or to cover my loan because I hadn’t bothered to sell anything, anyway I went into a closet to get something and for some reason I looked in an old handbag and sticking out was $300 (6 fifty dollar notes), which happened to be exactly what I needed to clear the overdraft on my bank account and buy a little food for the week. I seriously have no idea how that money got there. I had looked in those bags recently. It was a handbag I haven’t used for 5 years and I don’t randomly leave money anywhere. I’ve been struggling financially since my divorce so I don’t even know where I got $300 from.

Anyway to me it felt like a mini miracle, I have those now and again, maybe it’s because I have so much faith so I said thank you, and felt extremely grateful and blessed.

You guys know the pain well and have the biggest hearts and have the hard earned wisdom. Somehow you helped me get up again. You gave me some hope that I can keep going, and that there is a future for me.

You never know how your comments touch or help another. We are all sending love, hope and support through these small often brief connections.

Thank you guys :o)

Love SG x

19 thoughts on “Grieving Is Normal

  1. Sending you love and positive thoughts. You can do it. You are already doing it. Grieving is healthy. Shutting off the toxic people is healthy. This is the difference between us and our abusers. They are stagnant and empty and they want us like that. We move. We think and we want to heal and live. It takes courage to get up every morning and look past the nagging nonsense of “what’s the point”. It takes courage to face our demons. Courage, guts, and unyielding determination. And you have plenty.

    • Thanks Aura, you’ve been such a blessing <3 I think I need some practical support right now. Can't continue like this, I guess it's good to realize when you're at the end of your tether and really do need help.
      I really do have unyielding determination to heal and survive but some part of me knows that fixing up my home to sell while living of the bones of my ass is too much for me.
      I talked to a new doctor this morning and within 5 mins she said I may be able to get some free practical assistance :o) Makes me realize how unsupportive the old doc (I saw for 5 years) was..

  2. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but last Monday after an abusive call from my parents, I also closed the doors behind me. Blocked their numbers, stopped communication. Fighting off guilt and the ghosts since. But not regretting it, not even a single bit.

    • Exactly. Guilt, toxic shame, the feelings that society expects when we “have been so ungrateful and cruel” to our ‘loving’ family. But isn’t it funny, our intuition and our hearts tell us that we did all we could to save ourselves from the toxic toilet and it was the right thing, the hard thing, the thing we were meant to do and the only thing we could do. No regrets, all paths lead home to loving ourselves unconditionally if we go with it. A nearly impossible feat with constant toxic family members hammering away at your light that just wants to shine.

      • So true <3 nobody wants to do this, just like leaving an unhealthy marriage.. you HAVE to do this for your own health, wellbeing and sanity. My old counsellor told me I was incredibly brave because 95% of people are not capable of leaving unhealthy marriages or families. Choosing to die is easier than choosing to live.
        I won't let them continue to abuse me with guilt etc.. I'm pretty experienced on all this bs now due to my ex's narcissistic wrath I endured when I left him, and I really don't care what any of the extended family think of me. If they can't see me as a good person who must of had a very good reason to leave well they're blind and not worth my time.
        It will be hard when they die and I will be judged harshly but I'll survive their judgement – they don't know my heart. Thank you for being one of my angels when I needed support. Praying to God to give me the strength to get out of this sticky mess!
        Keeping glowing baby!

    • Good for you :o) It’s a big step but your health and happiness is the priority. I think it will be the best thing we’ve ever done. And I say that even though I’m going through a lot of pain right now :o)
      I think I’m more lonely than anything, Being alone was my norm once but I don’t want to be alone anymore. I have to step safely out of my comfort zone, and once I meet the right people I’ll never look back.
      I don’t regret it, I’ll never regret it, but people just don’t understand this is not a decision that’s taken lightly, it’s huge.
      Good for you for taking care of yourself and being brave <3

      • Every time I feel lonely I look inside. She is there always, warm and radiant. I’m never alone. Putting my mind to attract the right people is something I do with love and patience. My friends are scattered throughout the world but that’s fine.

      • I never used to feel lonely I guess because I felt loved from a higher source but maybe I’m healed enough to move forward. I feel safe now.I can trust my instincts with people and I want healthy connections. I had to be alone until I could learn how to protect myself.

  3. Yes, that’s your angels and God watching out for you. Keep your heart open to them and to yourself. Ask them to continue to guide you and make you aware of where your path goes next and trust what you hear in your heart. After anger, grief and tears, next time you get a FOO message, bless it with love and throw, shred, burn it away unread. Oddly, I was only flooded with love for my Mother one day, last year, when I had a feeling she had died. She didn’t but the feeling has not left. I had tremendous love for her soul, not the wretched human she was in life, (and still is, apparently. 30+ years NC.) I am glad you are getting back on track, Dec. & Jan. have been rough for me too. I think in retrospect you will come through this time and be grateful for the growth that makes you stronger. You can do this, embrace all of your emotions with love, they make you whole. They are not there by accident and you are a good, good person who has done nothing wrong. You’re a survivor. You have a purpose for being here. Do what makes your heart happy and fills you with excitement and joy. The CoDA group will transform you.xoxo

    • Thank you :o) No regrets, it’s just hard. I feel my love tank has been empty for too long. Being gentle and understanding towards myself and having faith helps fill it. Self care, self love, taking the action you need to move forward…
      I guess like you I love everyone on a soul level. That made me very understanding and forgiving…sometimes being too forgiving is not a good thing.
      I talked to a couple of ‘deeply spiritual’ (aka somewhat unbalanced :o) acquaintances from my meetup who say things like no one is really evil, there is no evil – it’s only fear, you created all this, you chose all this… blah blah blah.. it’s not helpful.
      I know the higher stuff but it isn’t always helpful in the here and now. I find it quite unbalanced and it pisses me off if anything. We still have to deal with our emotions and our reality and balance the two.
      Being unbalanced is what made me stay 28 years with a narcissist! So using my head and heart, intuition and logic, soul/ ego in a balanced way is essential, and now that I am, I feel pretty safe in this crazy world. I feel I can protect myself. I feel more personal power.
      I called CoDA and talked for quite some time to a woman, she said go 6 times and you’ll find it very structured and possibly pretty weird but she says it’s amazing how helpful it is. Got to say I’m curious.. there’s a meeting tomorrow night just need some money for petrol.
      ** Those of us who notice the amazing coincidences and little miracles are so blessed. To think the majority of people will never experience this, life must be pretty dull without the magic and knowing that there’s more x

      • Breaking the codependency thought patterns is a constant battle for me. It’s easier now, but I had to take the hard stance of assuming all my thoughts were codependency-induced and thus, stop and examine each carefully and for a long time. This behaviour has become a habit and has already saved me twice from the clutches of narcissists/psychopaths. Will I ever be entirely free? I don’t believe so. I was raised in a codependent environment, and it’s ingrained in my mind. I’ll keep examining my thoughts and stay vigilant. The side-effect of this is that I am slow in connecting with people, mainly because I have to make sure there are no codependent thoughts and motives and patterns in my thoughts. But that’s okay.

      • I get you.. I stop and examine now (use my head instead of running with my heart) and I’ve also saved myself a few times from narcissistic types. Sometimes I’ve been strongly attracted by I really feel safe now. Good to know we can self protect and are wiser for our struggles :o)
        I think we will always attract them because they love our energy. They are drawn to us so it’s up to us to discern and self protect. They’re like vampires :o) They need light energy to survive. That’s why they move onto their next victim, it’s a matter of survival to them.
        I pity them..
        We get our energy from God (or whatever you want to call it) and they siphon that energy off us because they are not connected to that source – light/ energy/ love.
        Well that’s my take on it.

        It’s great that we take time in all our connections. We’re taking care of ourselves and choosing people who are good for us, not those that are damaged, willing to sell their souls, cause destruction and steal energy <3
        Being sensitive is our greatest gift.

      • I do think there is a gift in us having to do so much introspection in order to accept and balance ourselves and our lives. We end up being more mindful and aware of our emotions and how people make us feel. I have been to 5 CoDA meetings and have spoken at each, very cathartic. A safe group that really lets you know your experience, thoughts, feelings, struggles and dreams are shared by everyone. The emotions that run through all of us is what connects us, the God within all of us. The combination of events that cause those emotions is what is different for us all. You’ve come so very far and I for one am proud of you! Trust me, I have been to a lot of meetups, CoDA is soooooo much better and more helpful. I have never seen men open up and talk the way they do in CoDA, it’s fascinating to watch and gives me hope that there are men out there who wish to be more evolved in their thought processes. An N would never last long in a CoDA group, something I find delightful. Oddly, some of the CoDA behaviors are very N in nature which I was surprised about, but they are not full blown N behavior/personality. AND, sometimes it’s just good to take a small break from all this and go do something fun. ;-)

      • Hmm… I went to a CoDA meeting this evening. There were three men and a woman. They were all very very reserved and quiet, maybe not used to being vulnerable and they felt uncomfortable.
        I have hearing loss and have misplaced my hearing aides (think they’ve accidentally been thrown out..) so I couldn’t hear them at all.. usually I can hear most conversations but they were so quiet and when I feel nervous my c-ptsd kicks in and my hearing gets even worse.
        A very awkward group, when sharing time came it took about 10 mins of silence before someone opened up. We seemed to do a lot of sitting in awkward silence. I found the structure made it less relaxing than just free flowing communication. They stayed on for about 5 mins after the meeting.
        They aren’t newbies.
        All in all not great first experience but I don’t really want to give up, so I think I’ll go few more times, maybe it will develop and my hearing will get better as I relax..

        Ohh.. I have just read the handbook – very detailed and it does have some really good intelligence to it. After reading it I think it’s really worth continuing and pushing through the awkwardness. I may try a group in another area also..
        Thanks for suggesting it <3

      • Wow, that’s different from my exp. Definitely try another group. I go to two and both draw about 18-25 people at all stages. One breaks into tables of 5 and we take turns talking. If it is silent I talk, make myself vulnerable. Later, I don’t even remember what I said and don’t care. It’s the process of putting out there what we have been taught to keep silent and makes no difference what others think or say. The awkwardness is common for a first meeting but do keep going. Silence is not a bad thing either. It happens in the large groups too. Yes, the info and process is valuable and the behavior is so deep seated, some people go to the meetings for many, many years because a bond is built with divulging and not being judged. I felt my familiar angst in not talking so I talked and it went away and others welcomed what I said and were encouraged to share as well.

  4. Well the lady on the phone did say expect it to be weird but keep going. I wonder if it was particularly awkward because it’s was a male group? Even the woman was more masculine energy.
    I’m willing to be vulnerable, I think being vulnerable is beautiful, super brave, and so powerful. It’s essential to authentic connection and trust.
    Strangely I don’t necessarily think this group is wrong for me if i can just push through the awkwardness (I will be hard to sit through that again :o)
    I’ve never trusted men, felt they were more like a pack of dogs :o( I guess that stems from not being loved by my father, and that I was surrounded by unhealthy examples. But I think now I need to be around men, men who are wanting to heal and willing to open up. I’ve never had platonic friendships with men, the men I’ve been round only wanted one thing, so I think it could be healing for me.
    Also the handbook was insightful and gave me more understanding of myself and my dysfunction (rather than feeling everyone else is at fault). I can see where I’m going wrong and what I need to address.
    I think it has great potential, just like everything takes a bit of courage to continue.
    All the little quirky things, like the recitings, holding hands, always introducing yourself as a codependent and saying hi.. eekkk I hated it! .. But I guess I can embrace it if it means I can move forward to healthy relationships. I would love that :o)
    Goodness … it’s such a tragic and unhealthy system we’ve been stuck in..

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