10 thoughts on “There Is So Much Beauty In The World

    • Hi there christinadrh <3 Happy New Year xx
      My apologies for not replying to your comments lately, I will get to them and my others readers comments too :o( Been depressed or more likely my PTSD has been triggered by emotional stress (probably both). Writing or expressing anything isn't coming easy to me right now. I feel emotionally numb, sad and so drained.
      You've helped me to remain strong and believe there's better for me, so I hope I haven't made you feel rejected or ignored.
      Christmas, my Mother calling, being rejected from the group was a rehash (all. over. again…) and painful. I guess many of us go through this at Christmas.. so I think it's pretty normal to feel this way at this time of the year.
      The bitch is that when I get triggered it can last for months. I don't need this and can't wait to escape this craziness and save my life..!! I'm still managing each day to do a little to move forward to a better place, to sell up and travel because that's my north. Just getting there is like walking through frickin' molasses!! But I will … damn it !! :o) Take care x

      • I hear you! I have been feeling the same, not as bad as the Thanksgiving to Christmas & New Year’s time frame but still not quite settled and as you said, emotionally/mentally/physically drained. I am sorry you are having trouble getting back to center. I chose to increase the drama of the holidays by reading what I’ve been avoiding, Pete Walker’s books, and it’s almost over, total immersion, total triggerville, but oddly, I feel better. Realizing the emotions from the past hijack my mind in the present was a big breakthrough for me as well as “catastrophizing” myself until I end up a bag lady is oddly a common scenario for the trigger-happy. You are in my thoughts, hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. Go online and plan your travels, get your head out of triggerville, you’re a world traveler now, not the person your family sees you as. xoxo

      • Thanks Christinadrh x So sorry to hear you’ve been feeling the same..
        CoDA sounds interesting and it may be a better idea than the anxiety group meetup I go to. I’m tired of making friends with people who are running scared all the time (I was once one of those). They are good and interesting people but it’s so frustrating.. I’m willing to be vulnerable and take some risks, face things and stop the running. Ughh!
        The book you mention about C-PTSD sounds good, I’ll have to read it but not right now, I’m in survival mode and can’t risk spacing out ..
        If I don’t snap out of my funk and focus on what I need to do I could end up losing my house. (Good God I do not want to end up a bag lady but I can see how it happens and can imagine the majority of street people have C-PTSD :o(
        I have to push past it and take back some control of my mind like you mention.
        Thankfully I am starting to feel better just in time to get on top of things before a major landslide…but with each trigger event I do feel I go through intense growth, processing and learning. On that deeper level I feel like I’m a student and I’m always pushed to grow and learn. I guess I have allowed myself the time to heal.
        We are all gifted in deep ways, a by-product of our dysfunctional childhoods (hypervigilance and dissociation does make us highly in-tune and aware).
        Genealogy and archetypes seem to be my forte. History repeating through the roles we play.

        Complex childhoods create complex people and wounded children become wounded healers..
        Okay.. so now time to get out of lalaland, back into my body, focus and take action!! I got this babe :o)
        Take care, you got this too :o)

  1. Ha! That’s the spirit my friend! I agree with you, in many ways our difficulty ends up being a strength for deeper understanding and connection to our higher self and a transformation of our consciousness, a gift that can’t be returned. A dog that shits the rug but has so much to offer otherwise. Gotta love it. I think that we forget how far we have come and when we realize we are no longer like the people we are with, it’s time to move on, to keep growing. Some people in CoDA have been there 30 years, met spouses and partners there and all their friends are from CoDA. It is a place where the focus is so multi layered that everyone is at a different level of understanding their personal level of growth yet all together they help one another to continue to grow rather than stay stagnant in the same lesson. It is nothing less than a transformational group for anyone just wanting to have a healthy relationship with other humans. The honesty and rawness of the whole process is what is amazing as nobody comments or commiserates with what you say and yet it makes you figure out what you need from within. A thumbs up. I also think it would help you out of your funk as it is a safe place to speak. Every abuse imaginable is in the room. Everyone is equal and nobody is judged, very empowering.

    • Hmm.. yes I think the group I’m in are not really growing and if they are it’s very slowly, most seem content enough, but I feel bored and have twitchy legs for something more exciting.
      I have found a meeting for CoDA (and viewed the website) in my area but I’m not 100% feeling good about going. I don’t want to isolate because it’s not healthy (not to mention painfully lonely) but CoDA sounds quite serious and heavy and I feel like I need lightness right now. Sounded like more analysis and processing which I generally pursue but I need down time from that and to focus on my financial situation… Hmmm… tricky tricky :o)
      Does CoDA energize you or make you process more?
      Is it fun and does it bring joy?
      I guess when I saw the sheets with all the questions it made me feel tired.. and I also feel tired at the thought of talking about my story? I’m so tired of the past..
      I kind of need some fun, smiles, laughing, joy.. Am I viewing it harshly? I guess I’m scared it will collapse me with more healing work (initially) rather than build me (be triggering etc..). Really can’t afford to collapse right now.. but also want to mix with understanding people that are well and truly on the road to recovery.
      Maybe not the best for me right now or it maybe perfect for me right now??

      Hmmm.. just re-reading what I wrote earlier and it sounds chocka full of excuses. I think CoDA makes me feel nervous. Maybe I’m just scared, in realizing that I now feel kind of curious. I may give it a go. I guess I’ll soon find out if it’s right for me..

      Good God sorry for all the confusion and drivel to read through, I have verbal diarrhea and my mental processing is hilarious!
      Funny how when you write out what’s on your mind it gives you clarity..
      I was going to delete all this but I thought it might give you a laugh!

  2. Ha! I totally get where you are coming from and it is very valid. You made me laugh. You can go and not tell your story and not share and all will be totally fine with it. You might get a coin for showing up. I thought to reject the coin might be a codependent thing so I just took it. I went on Dec. 28 still reeling from a depressing holiday season. I found many others who felt the same way. I chose to speak and participate and found compassion but not sappy, more a feeling of acceptance. I found the other stories to leave me with more of a confirming feeling of my feelings being valid. I liked it, so found another the next night and went, spoke and ended up leaving with a feeling that this is one big world with many, many people who share my issues and worse. That said, I did find it hard to sleep both nights but by the 3rd meeting I went right to sleep. I found the groups to be totally accepting, non-judgmental and compassionate with no words spoken, a feeling, an energy in the room. Sharing is good. There is no pressure, they are just glad you are there. Nobody will ever pressure you to share your story. I found listening to other people share was an amazing experience and actually showed me how far I have come in many instances, but also some that showed me how far I can go. I found info I shared helped others who had been going for years because they were not aware of the book I spoke of or what C-PTSD was and it resonated with them and they wanted to know more. I found all the different levels of healing to be comforting to be around. So that’s my take, I will go again on Monday. They are typically 1 hour or 1 1/2, where you break into small groups, maybe 5 or 6 people, where you still don’t have to speak and it’s cool. Lots of freedom, just a safe place.

    • Thanks for sharing your experience, makes me feel safer understanding it a bit more. It sounds like a healthy place to start. A little like the anxiety social meetup I wa going to. I liked it at first but then it became boring because I was the only one willing to be vulnerable and open up, the rest weren’t ready. They liked that I was brave and open and was pushing my own boundaries. I was contacted privately by many of them which was nice but they play pull and push and I just really want friends who have moved beyond that fear. I get it.. I’ve even done it out of fear and trust issues but it hurts people, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore I just want two people putting in effort and being brave even if they feel scared. I want courage, honesty and communication in my relationships.
      I have social anxiety especially around men so I’ll probably be a nervous wreck going but I can push through it ..
      Out of interest, what’s a coin, is it a reward thing?

      • CodA is a courageous and sharing group. A coin is sort of a benchmark for first time there, 6 mo, 12 mo. on to years. It’s a great group. I have man anxiety too and I don’t feel anything strange there because it is anonymous, first name only, no way to contact you privately and it is best if you don’t for a while until you feel you know someone through their sharing and not just with you. You can be more of an observer, very educational, all walks of life.

  3. I’m painfully isolated so I think I should give it a shot. I’ve learnt my lesson regarding connecting with men privately through these groups. Really they had boundary issues and so did I. Painful lesson for both parties I think.
    I’d love to have safe male and female friends to have good times with. I’ve only known damaged people. How exciting to mix with balanced healthy people! I want dinners and picnics, outings etc.. now that would feed my spirit.
    Ha! – I may be running a little ahead of myself :o)
    Baby steps..

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