I’ve been overeating for about a month now. Feeding my heart, not my stomach.. I just allowed it, I was so bloody heartbroken. I haven’t behaved like this for years so I was surprised when my binge eating suddenly came back.
I don’t control my binges because I know something very emotional for me is going on.. I try to be gentle and kind to myself. I only control what food I choose to eat, but never how much . I don’t eat sugar, gluten or processed foods ever.. and bingeing on those make me really sick..
I barely cooked the last month. I’ve been watching movies and resting to tired to function, waking up each morning rolling over and thinking .. ugh.. another f*cking sunrise to wake up to bleary eyed and exhausted.
I’ve been holed up inside, haven’t seen much light, I’ve eaten potato chips by the bagful, rice pudding with honey, rice crackers and dip .. yum..
I ate and ate and enjoyed every minute of it, it soothed me. Sure I’ve gained some weight especially on my stomach and my jeans are now skin tight.. hey a bonus it saves a belt :o)
Anyway today I don’t feel the need to binge on carbs. Last night I made the decision to stop dwelling and take action, my family don’t deserve my tears or to rob me another day of my life.
So today I’m taking action and taking my life back. I’m going to sell my Grandmother’s handmade rug my mother told me I had to keep because it’s special to her, and my party business that my father begrudgingly made the furniture for. In fact I’m going to sell all the things that hold me to my past..
I felt very guilty at first but I know it’s something I have to do, an act of rebellion or defiance, an act to cut the bonds to my past once and forall. I have permission to cut the ties to my past.. my permission.
I know I deserve better, and I’m really looking forward to better :o)
Makes me feel sad but really powerful at the same time. Makes me feel in control of my life and my future. Makes me know the direction I want to head .. forwards .. and not backwards ever again.
Love & baby steps,