For those of us who have been hurt multiple times in love this post is great. Often we feel all men are the same (due to our own painful experiences..) either egotistical and domineering or too weak and passive. There are emotionally healthy men in this world, and in order to attract them we need to heal and love ourselves first.. No more negative and outdated beliefs that ‘all men are the same’.. If you keep attracting duds and you want to attract a better man.. then you need to change… that’s the harsh reality.. whether your ex was abusive or weak as a mouse .. or your father.. in order to find a balanced man you have to be a balanced woman. Often that means healing your past and being a trustworthy, vulnerable person capable of open communication and love .. and having the strength of character, self esteem and ability to stand your ground, follow your instincts and protect and provide for yourself (ditto for the men..)
By Karen Salmansohn
It’s always fascinating to me the responses I receive whenever I tell women that if they want to break their Prince Harming patterns, then they must not only prioritize finding a man who is sexy and successful, they must ALSO prioritize finding a man who:
1. values growing
2. revels in open, honest communication
3. displays 20/20 listening skills
4. shows a Gumby-like flexibility for compromise
Often women wind up laughing heartily at my description of this evolved kind of man. They insist he does not exist!
“You’re a female chauvinist!” I’ve called these women. “If you’re telling me that you believe that men cannot be emotionally evolved enough to want to grow, communicate from the heart, empathize and validate you – well, then you’re basically saying that all men are ‘emotional bimbos.’”
Usually the words “female chauvinist” and “emotional bimbo” help to shock women into an awareness of how gender-prejudiced they’re being.
Next up, I tell these women that they have to stop being what I call “negative evidence collectors” – always looking for proof that men are “emotional bimbos.”
Unfortunately often women can create this self-fulfilling prophecy of behavior simply by treating a good man to their bad attitude toward him.
Next up, I assign these women to be“positive evidence collectors.” They must look for proof of the plethora of supercool Prince Charming–esque guys who are out there – either married to or dating their lucky girlfriends – or written up in the news – or working alongside them at their offices – or even in the very bed with them!
Finally, the last thing I warn women against is using the words “always” and “never” in either reference to their love life or men as a category.
Two examples: “I will never find a man who values growing.” Or “I always meet guys who cheat.”
Any time you create a sentence with an “always” or a “never” you’re setting yourself up with a limiting belief that usually creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom – and definitely puts in you in a hopeless, depressed frame of mind.
In fact, whenever I’m with someone who tells me they’re depressed, I assign them to take time to jackhammer-drill down to find and dump the pesky “always” and/or “never” which they’re believing.
Almost always one of these two words is at the root of their depression –draining them of faith and vitality – whispering mean beliefs into their subconscious and conscious minds about how they will forever be unable to change their situation.
Psychologists call these beliefs “permanent” and “pervasive” – and their wildly dangerous to the spirit and one’s potential for a happily ever after destiny. The truth is: it’s very rare that there’s a “never” or an “always” in someone’s life.
Are you suspect for being a female chauvinist?
If so, ask yourself if it’s possible a limiting belief from your childhood and/or a series of bad experiences is presently blocking you from finding a good partner with lots of emotionally evolved qualities!
It’s amazing how powerful changing your belief system can be. When you change the way you look at the world, you wind up changing what you notice and find in the world.