As hard as it was I went back to the group today. I’m determined to push through my fears of social connection.
I have to.
I am determined to show up and be vulnerable and I know with that I risk possible rejection and ridicule.
I guess it’s a sure way to find out who accepts you, as you are – with all your dysfunction and quirks.
Often at the group I mention my experiences. My hypervigilance, my fears, my heightened intuition, my fears of men.
It was awkward today… I’m finding a few of the men hard for me to act at ease around. I can talk so easily to the others but I am so anxious around them that I can barely speak or look at them.
It’s much easier to stay home and avoid people.
Two of the men have now rejected me rather than try to understand me .. even when I tried to explain.
I’m crying as I write this, because it’s painful.
If I sense a man is a threat to me and I withdraw or get awkward… they sense that and then it’s uncomfortable all around.
I’m sure I’ll find a man that will understand that I’m terrified rather than rejecting .. and he will still accept me and try to love me anyway, even if I try to push him away and sabotage any friendship or possible relationship.
On the plus side – it’s good talking to the women.
So I guess that’s the risk , I am going to be rejected and ridiculed by some and accepted and understood by others.. painful as it is, it’s a sure way to find the right people..