11 thoughts on “Leaving The Abuse Behind

  1. Reblogged this on gentlekindness's Blog and commented:
    This is something I have never seen before. There is internet awareness about domestic abuse and warning people to get out of abusive situations. But I have not seen anything that gives people a heads up about what to expect when you leave. Like this post says, being prepared for what is to come may not prevent the pain but at least the person will not be blindsided by it.

    The part that I remember being shocked by was the lack of family and friend support. People do not believe you, they don’t see how it could be possible for this person to have done those things.

    Especially people that know the abuser, do not believe you. Some of them think it is mean that you are accusing him of such things. Other people do not believe that you would “allow” yourself to be abused. They do not see you as a person that could possible have endured that level of abuse for so long, therefore it could not have happened.

    Also, people do not understand that once you leave, you still need help. The abuse does not go away just because you are out of there.

    My relatives that I moved in with expected me to bounce right back on my feet and they were very demanding.

    You need people to be there for you but they may not be. Also this post mentions the re-traumatizing which can occur.
    I like the idea of informing people about these things that may occur during and after leaving their abuser, so that it will somewhat reduce their trauma.

    • It doesn’t get easier once you leave but you do get to live and slowly heal..
      I experienced all 5. Even the lawyers and the majority of therapists do not understand abuse..
      I put up with years of abuse but kept quiet about it because I didn’t want him to look bad to my family, I didn’t want to break up our family, I just wanted him to get help and become a better man for all of us – that back fired on me BIG time. In the end they supported him over me. There was also a lot of sexual abuse as he was a sex addict – always hard to discuss that side of abuse..

  2. This is a great post. I also agree with all five and went through them as well. I distinctly remember the first abusive relationship I left, my worst, my daughter’s father. At first it was just easier to stay because of the threats and escalating violence. When I finally left him, he would stalk me, threaten my family, etc.
    One day, while at my parent’s home, ( I was only 19) he was attempting to kick in their front door. One of my best friends was there with me while waiting for police to arrive. I will never forget her looking at me and apologizing. She said, “I am so sorry, I never told you but I never really believed the things you said about him. My god…he is a monster.”
    For some reason, that stuck with me. I didn’t blame her. He lived his life charming people. But these comments made me think of that again.
    Really great post.

    • The rage they can go into when abandoned is terrifying.. you are lucky to be alive.
      I try to pity my ex. now as the weak, damaged person he is, but some days I just think he is a monster but it doesn’t hold the anger it used to – he is who he is..
      He took everything from me but there is nothing sweeter than ‘forget about it’ (although that took years of healing work and lots of therapy).. Now I’m focusing on my life, my way – and that really pisses them off. The fact that you can actually survive without them and be happy.

      • Yes, I am lucky and it is terrifying. It took years for me as well. I also, very stupidly, took him back years later. Knowing what I know about trauma now, I know I thought that if he was sober, perhaps I could make my life better if the story ended differently. It did not. But, it was a full circle moment for me I think. Much of the fear and anger are gone. We are older. My story is reallly complex. hahaha…that is actually not even meant to be a pun ..now that I wrote it..

        So sorry to hear about you. They seem to always take everything don’t they? Then we do our work on ourselves. I am going to have to thank Annie for her words and reblog for finding your blog. So glad you are doing well now.

      • Sounds very familiar. You get a little bit stronger each time you leave them and go it alone.. then one day you can make it without them.
        The cause such dependence..
        I guess when there is nothing left to take – they’ve taken your heart, health, house, family, children… you are finally free, there is no way they can’t hurt you anymore, – sounds strange I know..

    • It is hard for them to believe but I don’t fully understand why. You would think that they would know that you have always been honest with them, so why would you be making this up? I guess that average people only can accept things into their reality if they have experienced them before. If people have not experienced any kind of horror, then they cannot believe it. It really is sad but it is good for people to know that they are not the only ones who are experiencing this reaction.

      • Hi Annie!
        I get so confused on reblogs. Ty for reblogging this wonderful post and blog.
        And yes, you would think people would believe you. I think you are right, people only accept into their reality what they have experienced..orrrr what they want to accept as reality. Hmm..yes, I think so.
        It is sad. You do lose people, and I do not excuse them for that part. Those who abandon you well, they were not truly friends, not to me.
        You definitely are not the only one.

      • God, I lost everyone.. friends, my own family and 3 of my children – one son was brave enough to abandon his dad and live in poverty with me – poor kid. I decided I’d prefer no one than a pack of emotional abusers.. I just took a peak at your blog stating that you are lonely – I so get it.. :o)
        Looking forward to following you.. take care

  3. I avoid the people who have not been capable of believing me or supporting me. That includes my adult son and adult daughter and sister.. they ‘know’ everything that happened but sadly they are weak like him.. I was understanding for 7 years but now I have had enough.. I was kind and understanding for too long.. I don’t believe you can sit on the fence when it comes to abuse and supporting the oppressor is wrong.. I guess he is cunning and has manipulated them, he has tons of money and takes them and their partners on cruises – the bahamas and hawaii – I live on a sickness benefit and can barely survive and am trying to heal – I guess they viewed me as bitter, but the injustice became too much for me..I’ve decided to hold my head up, walk away and live..

  4. Yes, Silver Girl, sometimes it takes more than once. For me, I sometimes am a hard learner.
    I love how you wrote that though..you build yourself up until you can finally go..and there is nothing left to take. You are free. Love that framing. It is true. <3

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