How Being Too Nice Can Contribute To Depression

little red riding hood

There is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring.

To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people’s approval. I know, it’s easier said than done. But no one said it’d be easy…
Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often they are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered…
For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn’t matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else’s.
It seemed as if I was always living someone else’s life. First, I was the child who was “too young to understand things” and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren’t able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; “children should be seen but not heard.”
Then later, I became a young adult, clinging to any guy who’d find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others.
I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t who I am. I was a “slave” to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did.
How tiring was that! How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it…
All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least…. ’till they get tired of it.
Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you…
Well, there is. And it’s a bright one, too!
You’ve heard the phrase: “You teach people how to treat you” but you’ve ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not “lady-like.”
Well dear, who the fuck gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you – it shouldn’t be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY.
There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.
There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you’ve guessed it –  it’s you again.
Just remember this: if you care too much – others will care too little… If you remain too available – others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture…
You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that’s OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief… Stare back at them without blinking.
Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what’s right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it’s time to do something else for a living.
Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way.
Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with… YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. They’ve accused you of it so many times before, now it’s time for you to show others how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business… :)
Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It’s time to release it.
Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone.
This is how you start to love yourself…
Source: Check out her great blog and book (Elzbieta Pettingill – thegiftofdepression.blogspot.com)

 

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9 thoughts on “How Being Too Nice Can Contribute To Depression

  1. This post was really awesome ! I relate to this totally. I am always the one that people expect to be there to help. I always do the extra work, leave last etc, Then when it comes time for people to be thankful, they stab me in the back, They know that I did more work than they did. They were on their cell phone while I did things for them.
    They left on time and begged me to fold the last load of their patients’ laundry.
    But they tell the supervisor that I am slow and that’s why I don’t finish on time like the “fast” ad “efficient” workers.
    Then I get the review which has poor ratings for time efficiency and work quality. I have better work quality and more integrity about work than the ones who appeared as though they are better than me.
    They get great reviews and I get put back on probationary status again.
    You are also right, that I am the one that people think is rude because I will sometimes give them a long explanation, in an exasperated tone as to why I can’t do their work for them or that favor for them, like guarding the door to keep them from getting locked out when they go out to warm up their car 15 minutes before the shift ends.
    I will be the one the supervisor will see standing at the back door 15 min before the shift ends. The girl outside the building warming up her car while listening to music, sneaks in and out.
    They still stab you in the back and talk about you to each other with their stupid girly gossip.
    I will try the Say NO thing this coming week.
    The ones that take advantage of me are not my “friends” anyway.
    Annie

    • Givers can definitely over time get taken for granted and treated like doormats. People respect those who take care of themselves and their own needs first and not martyrs.
      I was a martyr and learnt the hard way :o(
      Strangely enough it’s called healthy narcissism..

      • yes i am beginning to understand. I have to choose what I am willing and able to do for certain people. But not always say Yes to anyone to asks or worse yet Tells Me what I am going to do for them. That is the first thing I am going to work on .
        For example the girl I work with came to me the other night and said “Mimi, (that is my work name) you are going to come down at 10:20 and stand by the door to let me back in. I have to go warm up my car. It is too cold for me.”
        Now I I am always busy finishing my work at 10:20 and the supervisors are already watching me. I can’t stand by the main door and then go back and finish late.
        I asked her if she would take turns with me when the weather got colder. for me to go out and warm up my car. I have less of a tolerance to the cold than anyone I work with because I have Raynaud syndrome.
        She just shrugged at me about that and did not answer.
        Why is it more important for her to warm up her car while I get behind and stand , looking like I am goofing off” in front of the nurses station.
        But my wanting to warm up my car would not be a priority to her?
        So, I said ok to her but told her only of I was not busy at 1020. She called me on the walkie talkie at 10:20 and I told her I was in a room with a patient, which I was.
        There are so many people who finish faster than I do, that could do this favor that would not be so stressed by it.
        I hope she is not mad, but I could not do it. I have already been reprimanded for finishing and punching out later than everyone.
        The shift is over at 10:30 pm. I have to be rushing to finish so i can punch out at the proper time.
        These kinds of favors will get me fired. I am already on a second probation there.

      • Thank you for letting me vent. You don’t have to reply to the last one if you don’t want to. I was just venting about work. I have to start my own business anyway because I can’t sustain working for the Stay Between the Lines people anymore. I am different and I do think for myself.
        Love,
        Annie

  2. It’s good to vent .. and often when you write it out, you figure it out for yourself. You can see it in black and white and read it over again and see where you’re going wrong and learn from it :o)

  3. Love the image, how I feel most of the time. People do take advantage, and I can relate to the post from gentlekindness. Its bullying basically. If you cant get the boss on your side to try and rectify the situation, id advise on trying to contribute your conscientious attitude to a workplace that would really value you, or look to change career and do something different. Im getting so traumatized by these types of incidents that I just want to work alone now, or at least find a place and people that value me. Hope things improve for you, please take care of yourself, keep a diary of everything, and, when your ready to move on, follow your heart.

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